you want to dance with the angels,
then embroider me with gold.
--
after three pleasant months, people stop pretending. they start to take you for granted, throw their weight around and make you slog for their gains. in other words, they get so used to your presence that they decide its time to remove their masks.
thats when you get dragged into some ugly office politics.
--
i cant remember how it began in primary five when the thought first popped into my mind. initially, the temptation came in the form of windows, guns and stuffed pillows - they were childish unrealistic ideas that drew me into an unfamiliar world of darkness and melancholy. i thought it wus just a passing phase of my childhood, and besides i had a long way ahead of me. i could say that i wus afraid of dying, but not as afraid of living.
maybe my parents bought me a ticket to hell when i wus young.
--
dont know why victoria came by
but i could see by the look in her eyes
victoria'd been driving round the town for a while
playing with the thought of leaving
dont know why victoria just smiled
mentioned something about how you were right
must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding
she said, ' i might not be seeing him soon,
got a few things ive been waiting to do.'
hey, victoria came by
victoria came by tonight
hey, victoria came by
she says to say goodbye
-- victoria | john mayer
--
i believe i have a perpetual fear of being forgotten.
just woke up from another one of my strange dreams, in which none of my friends around me seemed to acknowledge my existence - they either pretended that i wusnt there at all, or ignored me altogether, as if i wus invisible or something. and towards the closing of my dream, there wus an aquaintance who after knocking into me, kept insisting that i wusnt alright despite my repeatitive reassurance. i find it so disturbing that i have to verbalise my dream in order to shake it off hopefully.
as for now, im going on an emotional hiatus, just like how i wus in my dream.
--
what a lot of people fail to understand is how i have absolutely no desire at all, to speak to anyone outside my work these days.
i need a break from all the talking badly, so please kindly leave me alone.
--
antisocials (ie people with ASP) exist in a kind of moral vacuum, where empthay, affection , concern, or guilt have no meaning typically (but not invariably) they will be involved in criminal activity in of one sort or another; the prevalence of ASP in the prison population is 30 percent of higher. And even if they stay within the law, generally swimming against the tide of normal human society (to a greater or lesser degree). they lie and deceive without conscience, they cannot tolerate frustation, are easily bored, and are irritable, impulsive and prone to outburst of physical and/or verbal violence.
yet the antisocials often has a superficial charm which enables him to form relationships easily - although these never last. antisocials are often big talkers, with big ideas, and a huge tendency to blame others for their mistakes. when they come up in court, they are the ones who express no remorse for their crimes and will continue to deny their guilt even when the evidence against them is overwhelming.
antisocials show an appalling lack of psychological insights worse, in its way, than that you encouter in psychotic people who are bound up with delusions and have lost touch with everyday reality. the lack of insight makes it very difficult for anyone to help them, for at the same time they are technically sane. this is the main reason why ASP is considered to be untreatable.
...you probably have one or two antisocials among your friends, aquaintances and work colleagues and you will know the havoc they create - broken appointments, inability to hold down a job, money borrowed and not returned, unpaid bills, frequent grudges and quarrels, substance abuse and brushes with the law.
as you might expect, people with ASP have little talent for their parenthood or family life. hard data are not available, but it seems more than likely than a high proportion of men who abandon, and then fail to support their children, have ASP.
-- seeing red and feeling blue
dr. susan aldridge
i have found a name for it.
--
humans are like polygonal cylinders.
do you happen to have some friends whom you know you should always appear optimistic to, some friends whom you should never flare up at, and some friends whom you can always pour out all your suppressed emotions to. dont you find it extremely disturbing that each of us should have such multiple sides to ourselves - doesnt it make us superficial or two-faced that we should only show certain angles of ourselves to certain people, or it is because we are merely humans trying to fit into the jigsaw of this society.
i get so confused switching sides sometimes, it makes me feel disgustingly plastic.
--
recently, something has been luring me to take a leap beyond the yellow line on the platform.
no wonder they call it a line between life, and death.
--
being a workaholic helps sometimes.
you dont even have the time to feel depressed.
all i know now, is to talk, talk, talk.
--
its amazing how i managed to survive twelve and a half hours of work today with three hours of sleep last night.
its back to my drowsy pills tonight, so that hopefully i wont have to struggle through the twelve hours again tomorrow.
--
there are times when i wish that every moment in my life could be stored as a file in a hard disk drive, rather than the temporal lobe of my brain - just so that i can right-click, delete, and empty or restore my recycle bin at my own discretion.
meanwhile, i think amnesia is the next best thing that can happen in my life.
--
change of opinions.
i hope it isnt too late to realise how obnoxious some of the adults at my office can be. on the surface, they can joke around with you, slap your back, and make you feel like theyre on your side. then surprise, one afternoon when you werent watching your back - just beacause you thought they were supposed to be your friends - they had to backstab you by sneaking up to the boss to complain about the little faults that they spotted in you, just probably so that they can keep their fat ass on their seats in the office. so now i know better to build a moat and some barracks around my fortress.
thats precisely why i hate growing up. im afraid that i may grow up to become an obnoxious adult like them too.
--
ever had any old wounds which have already closed up.
the type which has already faded to the colour of your skin, became a part of you that you have kinda forgotten that it existed in the first place. then one day, you have to accidentally trip over a rock, fall flat on your face and tear open the old wound - except that now its deeper and uglier than before. bad luck you call it sometimes.
that wus what happened to me today - figuratively. i heard a song which reminded me of how ive lost somebody important and it wus almost like -
the reopening of an old wound.
--
now lets talk economics.
i think the singapore government functions like a profit-driven coorporation with very little land to spare, and many sub-companies under its wings.
firstly, the education system feels more like a factory line, with every child going through a nusery, kindergarden, primary school and secondary school in the same precise order. next, the system does its own product filtering through numerous product testing (what they call the O levels), and then sending each commodity to either an ITE, polytechnic or junior college, whichever suits them.
in the military sector, in order to prevent product differentiation, this cooporation even take painful (only to the targetted commodities) measures to make sure that all the recruits in the army look identical in their botak heads and black plastic-rimmed spectacles.
the coorporation is also very well-experienced in many other sectors of the economy - they used to monopolise practically every aspect of the country by taking charge of a broadcasting company, a telecommunications company as well as a power supply industry. these sectors have now been privatised to avoid complete domination (which may lead to unsatisfied customers due to the lack of consumer sovereignty).
however the road to booming success hasnt been so smooth afterall. in the recent years, the HR department of this coorporation realised that its workers havent been very (re)productive, and hence came the baby bonus and the extra five million dollars last year to hopefully boost the production of human brains and talents again.
i therefore conclude that singapore is the largest (with over four million employees), most well-diversed, and the richest company (with a GDP of $109.4 billion in terms of purhasing power parity) in the world.
ps: the above entry was written out of jest so i apologise for any inaccuracy, or any offence that i may cause to anyone. and thanks waiye - fer inspiring me :)
--
i find it inexplicably
hard to pick my puny self up.
but i will, eventually.
--
life is about living up to expectations.
i didnt meet mine.
thats the end of the story.
(so stop asking.)
--
anger and love can take away fear.
so what takes away grief.
nothing. nothing.
--
we ran out of second chances -
therefore, come tomorrow,
we shall determine our own fate.
--
i may be high and drowsy now,
but im still clear-minded -
bin, edith and sera,
thanks fer sticking with me through the years
and i love you dearly. (:
--
and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is
the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her sky.
-- the blowers daughter
damien rice
watch closer and be prepared to fall in love with the song, the cast, and the plot. (:
--
the older we grow, the harder is it to make friends.
and in my opinion, my category of 'friends' doesnt include aquaintances and people whom you know only by face and name. because i realised that in the later part of my life, my social circle of aquaintances have increased at an exponential rate, but most of the people who actually moved along me were friends whom i have met in the earlier days of my secondary school life. take junior college for example, im beginning to believe that most of the friendships that were bonded in that two years were merely superficial ones, and i think they were formed only because we needed somebody while we were separated from our old pals. replacements, perhaps.
so is there really such a limited space in our heart, that whoever enters later has to overflow, exit and slip away from our lives.
--