Westlife Idol
Gem: Yep. Here have it folks. The program you’ve all been waiting for. Westlife Idol. Hoorah. Whoop whoop. Yay oh yay. Roll tape.
Shane: What Gem means to say is, we’re running our own little Pop Idol. Yup, our very very own. How the hell this is going to work, I don’t know. But there we go. All the other humours turned out OK in the end, so I s’pose there’s still hope for this one.
Gem: Oi! What’s that supposed to mean?
Shane: *whistles* Nothing…
Gem: Sheesh. Well. Get on with the audition people things.
Shane: NEXT!!!
Gem: We haven’t had anyone in yet.
Shane: FIRST!!
Bryan: *wanders in, does a somersault and bursts in to song* No I’m not that kind of girrrlll, and it’s not myyy kind of woorrlldd..
Shane: Bryan, you are NOT an auditionee. Not sit down and shut up.
Bryan: Sheeeeeeeshh… *sits down*
Gem: *slams head into table*
Mark: Erm, well, I’m kinda shy, but… *bursts into song* Everybody’s looking for that something.. One thing that makes it all complete…
Gem: Well, at least he remembered Shane’s words this time.
Shane: THAT’S AWFUL!! GET OUT!!
Bryan: I can bloody honestly say I’ve never heard anything like it.
Shane: I bet you think you sound good, don’t you?
Bryan: You’re just trying to be like that Mark from bloody Westlife, but you’re no bloody where near I’m afraid. Sorry.
Kian: Well, I thought you were alright. The camera loves you…
Gem: Oh God.
Nicky: Well, today I was looking for Wotsits. I got Sainsbury’s own brand Cheesy Puffs. It just didn’t do it for me.
Shane: You’re just flaming awful!
Mark: *runs off crying*
Gem: Guys, it’s generally not a good idea to make member of your own band cry.
Kian: Oh, I feel so guilty….
Shane: NEXT!!
Ronan Keating: *smiles sweetly* You say it best, when you say nothing at all..
Shane: Oh, just get out of my sight!
Bryan: Terrible. Just bloody terrible.
Nicky: Now, Shane, I think you’re being very harsh. This young man is obviously desperate for fame and fortune, and OK, so he may not have a brilliant voice, but I think you’re acting just like a pantomime dame. Disgraceful.
Shane: *pouts*
Ronan: *wanders out, head hung low*
Kian: Nooo! Wait! I LOVED you! I thought you had a fantastic look!
Ronan: *hurls a book at Kian*
Kian: *dusts self off* Well, really, there was no need for that.
Later. Much, much later.
Mark: YMCA!! It’s fun to stay at the YMCA-eyay!!!
Bryan: Y’know, I bloody well recognise you from somewhere…
Shane: *collapses with laughter*
Kian: Well, admittedly, that wasn’t the best performance I’ve seen so far today…
Nicky: *refuses to comment*
Mark: *cries*
Gem: Now wait just a second, what did I tell you guys earlier?
Shane, Bryan, Kian + Nicky: Soooooowweee…
Bryan: *sighs* If I hear one more person sing bloody Anastascia, I’ll kill em.
Duncan Blue: One for the money and the free rides, it’s two for da lie that you denied.. All rise!! All rise!!
Bryan: *groans* Bloody abysmal.
Duncan: *runs over to Bryan* Yeh? Yeh? WHO YOU CHALLENGING? EEEHHH?? YOU SAID IF ANYONE SINGS ANASTASCIA YOU’LL KILL EM- COME ON THEN!! I’LL BEAT YOU UP IN A SECOND!!
Bryan: *raises eyebrows*
Duncan: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M THE KICKBOXING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!
Bryan: OK. Right. Go away. Bloody arsehole.
Duncan: *exits stage left, crying*
Shane: Wow. This is great.
Gareth Gates: Lonely rivers flow.. To the sea… To the sea… To the ope-
Shane: STOP! STOP!!
Gareth: *looks upset*
Shane: That was incredible! Oh, wow.. I’ve never heard anything like it! *leaps up, runs over to Gareth and gets down on his knees… phoar…Erm.. Carry on…* I am your eternal slave!! I’ll… kiss your feet if you want me to!
Gareth: Err… No, that’s OK…
Shane: Good.
Gem: *hisses* Shhhaannnee…
Shane: Whhaatt?
Gareth: *turns to leave*
Gem: *leaps up* NOO!! GARETH!! DON’T GO!!
Gareth: *raises eyebrows even further than Bryan and runs for his life*
Gem: *sob* Gareth ran away from me… *sniffle*
Kian: Well, he was rather good.
Nicky: Yes. He was like butter when I was used to margarine…
Bryan: Bloody fantastic, I’d say.
Gem: *groans*
Bryan: Now bloody what?!
Gem: BRYAN???!!
Bryan: Bloody hell! What?!
Gem: SHHUUUTT UUUPPPP!!!
Bryan: Calm down. *mutters* Bloody stress head.
Gem: AAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!
Long pause.
Shane: Hey, Gem?
Gem: WHAT?
Shane: It’s your turn.
Gem: Oh. Right. *runs out, runs back in dressed as a certain Pop Idol contestant and sings random things*
Shane: WAIT!!
Gem: Uh oh.
Shane: *gets back up again, runs round, gets on one knee* Marry me!!
Gem: *grins* Now you know why I wanted to play this certain Pop Idol contestant.
Shane: *stands up* Right. I’ve read my line now, can I sit down again?
Gem: Grrrr. Fine. *sulks*
Shane: Thank you.
Next day. Judges have had no sleep, yet Nicky has changed into an even more hideous suit. Shane’s trousers have risen above the legal limit. Kian has brushed his hair, like, ten times in the past hour so he looks marvellous for the camera. Bryan has sold a few more million hit records.
Will Young: *boogies on in* Ah-ah-ah-ah staying alive, staying alive!! *jives in time with… silence*
Shane: Oh Christ.
Will: Yes, my child?
Bryan: Bloody hell.
Kian: Like, darling, the camera loves you.
Shane: Darling is MY word. I demand you give it back.
Nicky: I think you’ll be a star, I really do. I can see you on the Pepsi Chart next week, you’re the equivalent of caviar, most people today have been the equivalent of rotten fish eyes. You were absolutely born to do it.
Kian: Why should I give it back?!
Bryan: Children! Please! Kian, give him back his bloody word.
Kian: *sulkily* Fine. Take it.
Shane: Thank you.
Will: Excuse me, hello?
Shane: Hi.
Will: Are you going to judge me?
Shane: You’re talentless, ugly, and a terrible dancer. You’re through.
Will: HOORAY!! *boogies on out*
Bryan: Bloody hell.
Gem: *enters*
Bryan: Bloody hell.
Gem: *exits*
Bryan: Bloo…
Shane, Kian + Nicky: SHUT UP!!!!!
Kian: Darling! Come back in! Bryan didn’t mean to offend!
Bryan: Yes I did.
Kian: Shut it, pug face.
Bryan: Blood…
Kian: *kills Bryan*
Gem: Ew. Blood.
Shane: DON’T SAY IT!!!
Gem: Whaatt??!! All I said was ‘Blood..’
Shane, Kian + Nicky: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Gem: Sheesh. Some people are so touchy.
*Pap Idol music*
Shane: Pap Idol?
Gem: Yeah.
Shane: Where did you get that from?
Gem: Some… people. Why? Don’t you like it?
Shane: I LOVE it!!!
Gem: Good. Right, well. That’s it.
Shane: Already?
Gem: Yes.
Shane: Can’t we just extend it a tiny tiny bit?
Gem: No.
Shane: WHY?
Gem: Cause the end titles music has played. Sorry.
Shane: But…
Gem: *points in horror* LOOK! SHANE!! YOUR TROUSERS HAVE SLIPPED DOWN TO YOUR HIPS!!
Shane: *shrieks* WHAT?! *runs away trying to hoist trousers up*
Gem: Heh heh. Tata now.