Twelfth Night

OK, a basic run down. Gem & Mark are identical twins who've just been shipwrecked. Shane reeealllyy loves Ellie but she doesn't like him. Got it? Off we go then. Act I, Scene I.

Shane: If music be the food of love, play on. Is that OK? I mean that is the main line, I can't remember the rest... Oh, erm, wotsyername..

Anto: Anto, sir.

Shane: Yeah I know. What's that Ellie up to?

Anto: That dear lady of question sent but her handmaid in refusal.

Shane: You WHAT?!

Anto: She still don't like ya, mate.

Shane: Damn. *Looking at director* Can we skip this scene?

Fine. Act I, Scene II.

Gem: Where am I?

Cap'n Walsh: Illyria, dear lady.

Gem: Noooo!! My brother hath drowned! *sob*

Cap'n Walsh: You're meant to ask if he's still alive.

Gem: Look, who's writing this? You might be a massive music guru, Walshy, but you ain't bloomin Shakespeare!

Cap'n Walsh: Sorry. Anyhow, it's lucky you're alive. So he's probably dead.

Gem: NOOOOOOO!! *sob* Do you know your way around here?

Cap'n Walsh: You skipped a bit.

Gem: I know, I'm having trouble understanding it.

Cap'n Walsh: I know it, I twas... no, that's wrong. I lived bout three hours away from here. The duke is called... Shane.

Gem: Oooh, I've heard of him. He still single?

Cap'n Walsh: Yeah, but he's after this gal called Ellie.

Gem: Darn! Well, for some strange reason, I wouldn't mind serving her.

Cap'n Walsh: Thats gonna be hard.

Gem: I'll disguise myself as a bloke. I'll call myself... Gemitha!

Cap'n Walsh: NOOO!

Gem: OK,OK. Hows about.. Andy?

Cap'n Walsh: Hmm.. Alright.

Act I Scene III

Nicky Byrne: Why's my niece making such a big deal cause her brother died?

Hannah-Yvonne: Dunno. She'd like you to be home earlier tho.

Nicky: Tough.

H-Y: Urrm.. Well, you should confine yourself.

Nicky: Wha?

H-Y: The farting and drinking is gonna kill yeh. Ellie was talkin about a wooing fella.

Nicky: I don't get that word. Anyway, you mean Sir Ronan Keating?

H-Y: Yep. Can we skip a few scenes?

OK

Ronan: But we'll miss my bit!

Get back behind the darned curtains, Keating. You can come in later. Act I scene.. whats 4 in roman numerals?

Shane: Where's Andy?

Gem: Here.

Shane: Go see if Ellie's changed her mind.

Gem: K.

Do stick with us. It gets interesting later. Act I scene 5.

H-Y: Oi, Ellie, theres someone to see ya.

Bryan: You misse- (shut it!) Sorry.

Ellie: Let him in.

Gem: *Entering* Ello.

Ellie: You!!!

Gem: Shh! Hey, I come from Shane's.. umm.. palace thing. I wouldn't let that bloke *pointing at Kian* stop me coming in.

Kian: Haven't we lost the Shakespeare touch here?

Gem: Shurrup! Anyway, Shane wants you to marry him, to cut a long story short. Ol' Shakey does tend to drag on a bit.

Ellie: Tough.

Gem: Want me to tell him that?

Ellie: Yeah. Wait, I'm turning down Shane?! I don't get it !

Gem: Me neither.

Interesting interpretation here. Act II, Scene I.

Anto: You not going to stay?

Mark: (Gasp! My brother lives! I don't actually know it yet.) Hey, don't you play the servant bloke?

Anto: Yeah, but I had to have the part of Antonio- its got my name in it, after all. You got two parts in The Haunting!

Mark: Oh yeah. Well, thanks. I gotta go. Might find my sisters dead body (GASP x 2)

Anto: T'rah.

This is getting worse. Act 29341, Scene 67412.

Bryan: Oh, I get to sing now!

O mistress mine where are ya roamin,

O stay and hear your true loves comin

That can sing both high and low

Wait, what the heck is this?!

You're a jester, Bryan.

Sir Ronan K: Very good. Tis good.

H-Y: Keep it down.

Nicky: *Very drunk* La de da.....

Ronan: Tum te tum...

Bryan: Right, that's it Gem- your script writing sucks.

Keep it shut Bry. Or there will be a mysterious extra beheading in Twelfth Night.

Kian: *Entering* What the hell do you think your playing at? You'll wake m'lady.

Ronan: So?

Kian: Ronan, that's not in the script.

Ronan: None of this crap is.

Watch it

Nicky: I'm NeVeR GoNnA DiE !! !!! ! ! !

Bryan: *singing* Liar, liar, arse on fire!

Kian: Stop it, the lot of yas. Get lost!

Scene...aah, feck it.

H-Y: Hey lookies, y'know how Ellie hates your bright yellow pants? I've written this letter in her style writing to Kian. It makes out that she lurves him, spesh in those trousers. I'm gonna put it here and we can watch him open it whilst hidden in the box tree.

Nicky: *highly confused* OK. This could be funny I guess.

Ronan: Nice one! *hides*

Kian: *picks up letter and reads it* OOHH! Ellie WUVS me! I've gotta nick Nicky's trousers!

Nicky: The cheeky git!

H-Y: Shhh!

Some act, a few scenes later.

Gem: Hi.

Ellie: Oh, hello.

Gem: *worried* How are ya?

Ellie: Never been better, dear Andy.

Gem: Umm.. sure.

Later

Anto: I bid thee well, dear Mark.

Mark: We abandoned the Shakespeare a while back mate.

Anto: Oh.

Mark: Thanks for all you've done for me. I'm ever grateful.

Later... this is boring, right? Oh wait.. hehe....

Ellie: H-Y , sup?

H-Y: Kian's gone a bit mad, ma'am.

Ellie: Go fetch 'im.

Kian comes in dressed in Nix's tragic yellow trousers.

Kian: *in v.camp voice* Ho ho, dear lady!

Ellie: Are we using Shakespeare or not?!

Kian: You decide. No one cares anymore. *flips back jacket to reveal trousers* Dost thou adore mine trews?

Ellie: *eyes go wide with disgust* YEUCH!

Kian: Ah, sweet lady *puckers up* I WUV you!

Ellie: HELP?!

Nicky: S'up? Hey, those are my trousers!

Ellie: He's gone bonkers! Lock him up!

Nicky: Okies

Poor lil Ki gets locked up. Nix, Ro and Bry tease him half to death. Bry dresses as Father Topas the priest, and tells Ki he's a looney. For some reason, Ro picks a fight wiv Andy.

Gem: A-ha!

Ronan: Take On Me?

Gem: Not the band, smartass.

They have a quick fencing battle. Anto appears. Cause Gem & Mark are twins, they now look exactly the same and Anto gets a little confuzzled.

Anto: STOP!!!

Nicky: Why? Who the heck are you?

Anto: I'm Anto, fool. Anyway, if this fella's done sommat wrong, I take the blame.

Police people arrive. Anto's been a bad boy and they want to take him away.

Anto: Mark, SAVE ME!

Gem: Wha? Get lost, matey.

Anto: After all I've done for you, this is.....

Gem: Shut up! I wanna get to the bit where I snog Shay!

Umm.. later. Mark is in Ellie's garden.

Ellie: Ahhh! There you are!

Mark: Eh?

Ellie: Please marry me, Andy!

Mark: *muttering* What a looney... *smiling sweetly* Of course!

Ellie: YAY!

They get married. Later (ARGH!) Shane, Bry, Ellie and Gem are in the gardens.

Ellie: Ahh! Sweet husband!

Gem: You WHAT?!

Shane: *upset* Pardon? Tell me it's not true!

Gem: I didn't marry her!

Ellie: *v.upset*How can you say it didn't happen? Oi, priest man- tell him!

Priest: You're married.

Shane: OOHHH, ANDY! You traitor!

Gem: NOO!

Meanwhile, Mark's been in a scrap with Nicky.

Ronan: Andy did it!

Gem: Fer gawds sakes, what did I do now? *Stalks over to path and sulks*

Mark enters

Mark: Oh, Ellie! I'm sorry, I just thwacked Nix.

Shane & Ellie look at Mark, then at Gem.

Ellie: Most wonderful!

Shane: Who the heck is who?

Gem comes over to Mark

Gem: OK, lets cut the crap. MY BROTHER!!!!

Mark: Ahh! Gem!

Big hugs all round.

Ellie: So I'm married to Mark, right?

Shane: Hey Gem, marry me will ya?

Gem: Sure... but do I get a snog?

Shane: k. *snogs Gem*

Gem: *drool* Oooh I love these things...

The End.

Kian: *escaped from shed* Hey, you forgot me!

Gem: Whoops, sorry Kian. I was... occupied.

Kian: Humph.

Ellie: Right. Poor Kian! You're not mad! *takes letter* I didn't write this! H-Y did! H-Y !! NIX ! BRY! RONAN!!!

Bryan: Ay. We wrote it. T'was only a larf.

H-Y: Sorry.

Nicky: Yeah. Can I go back to me beer now?

Ellie: Yep. *looks at Ronan*

Ronan: Don't look at me, I'm not even in Westlife!

Mark: Eejit.

Ronan: Watch it!

Gem: HEY! This is supposed to be a happy ending! *Takes Shane away and leaves them to fight it out*

Kian: Prat.

Bryan: Shorty.

Nicky: Freak.

Ronan: Nit wit.

Bryan: You're such a.....

*Curtains Draw*

The End

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