The Haunting

One cold, dark day, In a flat near the Irish coast….

Mark: I’m not leaving my house! Gerrout!

Strange woman: Fine!

Mark: Hey, that’s different to the actual film.

Strange man: I wouldn’t say that. Gem’s the evil one, don’t forget.

Mark: Darn, is she? Well anyway, gerrout!

Strange man and woman leave. A few days later, Mark has enrolled in a sleep deprivation study course. He goes to a big spooky castle for the course. He walks up to the big spooky gates and calls out. A strange, Marky type figure comes to let him in.

Mr Feehily: Hello.

Mark: Aaaaaaaaahh!! How am I in two places at once?

Mr Feehily: Special effects. Have you noticed all these locks on the gate? Weird, innit? Why do locks give people a sense of security, eh?

Mark: Mmm. Lemme in.

Mark enters the big spooky house and calls out for Mrs Feehily, who he finds in the kitchen

Ellie: Hello. Sorry. It was either answer the door or make dinner. Can’t do both.

Mark: Aaaah!! It’s you!

Ellie: I know. There was a lack of famous actresses.

Mark: Oh. Where’s my room then?

Ellie, I mean, Mrs Feehily, leads Mark to his room.

Ellie: Oh, by the way, I leave at six. I live about 600 miles away, cause this place is haunted and it’s dead spooky. OK? And if you die, it’s not my fault.

Mark: Umm… OK.

A bit later, another person on the course arrives. Mrs Feehily takes the newcomer to his room

Shane: Oooh! This place is heeee-uge!

Ellie: I leave at six. I live about 600 miles away

Mark: Cause this place is haunted and it’s dead spooky.

Ellie: And if you die, it’s not my fault.

Shane: Yeah. Whatever.

Mrs Feehily leaves

Mark: I think we share a bathroom.

Shane: *Raises eyebrows* Oook. Where ya from?

Mark: A liccle apartment by the sea, in Sligo.

Shane: I’m from Dublin.

Mark: No you’re not, you’re from Sligo!!

Shane: Shut it dumbass, just cause I read the script!

Mark and Shane wander around the house. They get to the front door, when someone bursts in.

Bryan: Hi, I’m Bryan!

Mark: I know. Hey, this script sucks.

Bryan: *nudging mark* Remember Gem’s the evil one, fool…

Dr Egan: *entering* I see you’re all here.

Nicky: *enters* Yep.

Later that evening…

Mark: This place is dead old. Who lived here?

Dr Egan: Actually, that makes for a good bedtime story. There was this gal called…. Umm.. Gemitha..

Mark: Gemitha?!?

Dr Egan: Mark, you’re doing it again.

Mark: Doing what?

Dr Egan: Slagging the script. Now shut up or we’ll run out of paper.

Mark: Paper?!

Dr Egan: She’s writing it, dope. Anyway, she wanted loadsa kids but her first one died, and her bloke was… *thinks* this ones a hard one… OK, really crap, if you get me.

Shane bursts out into fits of giggles. Grrr, if only I didn’t have to wait to come in…..

Dr Egan: Shh. Well, he died and she had no kids, but kept getting Bob the Builder in to make this place bigger. Townsfolk used to say they could hear the sounds of children coming from the house…..

Shane: *Still giggling* Ooh, freaky!

Nicky: There’s something else about this place.. it’s all around us.. it’s here..*strums finger along strings in piano. One of them replies by whipping up and nearly taking his eye out. He begins screaming hysterically* AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

A strange bloke who’s been lurking at the back looks relieved and offers to take Nix to hospital. They leave.

Bryan: Phew, he nearly lost his eye!

Dr Egan: Very lucky. Look, there’s another part to the story. Gem’s bloke didn’t just die. He killed himself.

Bryan: Nice.

Dr Egan: Just don’t tell the others, K?

Bryan: Sure.

Bryan proceeds to tell the others. That night, sommat weird happens… Mark wakes up to a knocking.

Mark: Yeah yeah. *He wakes up properly* Woah! What the heck?

Screaming comes from Shane’s room. Mark runs over.

Shane: Nooo!! NOOO!! Where’s it coming from?!?!?!

Suddenly there’s a v.v.v.v.v. loud banging on the door & it looks as if someone’s ramming the door with a log. It stops, and goes v.cold.

Mark: It’s moving….

He wanders over to the door between Shane’s room and his. The door knob begins to turn and he slams the lock across. The banging starts up again

Mark: It’s in my room! It’s in my rroooooooooooom!!

Shane: Get away from there!!!

A few seconds later, there’s a knocking on the other door. Bryan calls in to them. Shane opens the door.

Bryan: What’s up?

Shane: Couldn’t you hear it?

Bryan: All I could hear was you screaming ‘Bryan, Bryan, help me!’

Shane: I wasn’t screaming for you, git.

Mark: It was in my rooooom!

They go into Mark’s room. There’s nothing there. The next day, sommat else happens. A heee-uge something-or-other swings behind the fireplace. Markie screams.

Mark: AAHHH!!!

Bryan and Dr Egan check it out

Dr Egan: There’s nothing here.

Bryan: You sure you saw sommat?

Mark: Yes!!!!

Suddenly (I like that word) a big thing swings out and nearly kills Dr Egan and Bry Bry

Bryan: (CENSORED)!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark: It’s a..umm..thing for cleaning chimneys.

Shane: You OK Bry?

Bryan: No I’m (bleep)-ing not OK! It nearly killed me!

Bry wanders a bit while they talk. He discovers ‘Welcome Home Markie Boy’ painted in red across the wall

Mark: Ooooh! Whoever wrote this is cruel! I hate being called Markie Boy!

Mark storms off. I can’t be arsed with the next scene or two. Basically, Mark finds a big book with lots of kids names in it. He also finds loadsa skeletons (ooh, shiver) in a hatch in the fireplace and figures that Gemitha had a second husband. La de da…. Anyway, Mark’s now just been chased through the whole damned house for finding out all the cruel cruel things Gem did. He ends up in the lounge with everyone else.

Mark: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Shane: Will yeh stop with the damned screaming?!

Mark: She killed them…….. she killed them all and now she wants me (too right I do)...

Dr Egan: Calm down. What are you talking about?

Mark: Gem took the children from the mills and killed them. She hid the bodies in the hatch in the fireplace and now she wants me.

Shane: What if he’s right?!

Bryan: Shut up, Shane

They take Markie to bed and leave Bry to look after him. Dr Egan has doubts about himself and goes to see if Markie was right. Shay finds out that Dr Egan is really just investigating fear and gets peed off wiv him. Then.. dang dang dang... Markie wakes….

Mark: huh? Oh, right. AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Stakes above the bed trap Mark in. Bryan fails to notice that Marks room is being torn to pieces until the doors shut.

Gem: BOO!

Mark: AAAAHH!!! Wait, you’re not meant to speak!

Gem: I do now. I gonna getcha now! Muwhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Mark: That is seriously twisted, man!

The other lads break in and get Mark outside. Bry attempts to ram to gate open. Meanwhile, Mark goes back inside.

Shane: Where’s Mark?!

They run in to find him

Bryan: Oh, come on , maybe he doesn’t want to be found.

Shane: Wait.. we’re losing track here. T’aint funny anymore.

Dr Egan: It wasn’t in the first place. Hey, he must be in there!

They enter a room

Mark: Noo! You’ve gotta get out! Lookies, the children need me. Gem can’t hurt ‘em if I’m here. Ya see, Gem’s second hubby was my great great grandaddy. The kiddies are my family. Hey, I’ll take you to the door.

They run down the hall, but all the doors shut on them.

Mark: Whoops. Too late. She won’t let ya go now.

Bryan: What?!

They end up in the lounge somehow.

Bryan: You feckin’ eejit, let us out! *attacks picture of Gem with candlestick*

Mark: Bryan, noooooooooooooo!!

Bryan: *steps back onto carpet and gets pulled towards the fireplace* AAAHHH!!!

As Bryan stands up in the fireplace, the wotsit swings out. Decapitated Bryan. Sorry, Bryan fans. The hatch bursts open and bones fly all over da place. Gross.

Shane: Nooo!

Mark: RUN!!!

They run. Ending up in the main hall, Dr Egan and Shane stand well back while Markie calls for Gem.

Mark: GEMITHA?!

Shane: *gulp*

Oh yeah, that’s me

Gem: RAAARGGH!

Dr Egan: AAHH!

Shane: AAAHHH!!

Mark: You let them go!

Gem: No.

Mark: I’m not going to let you harm an innocent kiddie!

Gem: I’m not going to.

Mark: You gonna kill me then?

Gem: Yes.

Mark: For finding out about how evil y’are?

Gem: No, for slagging my script.

Shane: How come I didn’t get to play lead?

Gem: I’ll tell you later. Anyway, RRAARRGGH!!

Dr Egan: AAAHHH!!

Shane: AAAHHH!!

Mark: I’m not scared of you!

Gem: Yes y’are.

Mark: Shut it. I’m not! You couldn’t……oh damn, what’s that line??!!

Gem: Never mind.

The big judging doors suck Gem into them cause they’re the gates of hell or sommat. Markie gets caught up in her and slams against the door. The souls of the children float to heaven cause they’re free. Awww. Markie watches them go, the dies and goes wiv em. Darn, I’m running out of paper. Make it quick!

S: *sob* Oh, Markie….

Thank you. Next morning, the Feehilys arrive.

Ellie: Stoopid people.

S: *looks at Mr Feehily* But…you’re dead!

Mr Feehily: No, I’m not. Mark’s dead. Anyhoo… find everything you needed, doctor?

back