Quantum Leap 3
Here we are. Quantum Leap 3. You know the score. And if you don’t, you didn’t read the other two closely enough. So there.
K: *fizzles in* k off….. Hmm.
Ground: *shakes*
K: The ground is shaking.
M: HELP ME!! HELP ME!!
K: *leans outta window and looks up* Why are you yelling help out of your window?
M: I’M TRAPPED!
S: This is what’s called an earthquake, Kian.
M: HELP!!
K: Ooooooooh boooyyyyy……
Intro music time. Dooobeeeeedooooooo…
K: WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?!!
S: *shrugs*
K: Oh, well that’s helpful.
S: I didn’t think it was really all that helpful, actually.
K: Hmm.
S: I thought you were panicking?
K: I was.
S: OK….. So why aren’t you panicking now?
K: I’m silently panicking.
S: OK.
M: HELP ME!! HELP ME!!
K: *leans out of window and looks up* Ahhh, shuddup.
M: *puts hands on hips and frowns* Well, thanks for the help, buddy.
Kian: *salutes* No problem. *comes back inside and looks at Shane*
Shane: *groans in desperation*
Kian: What?
Shane: WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE HERE TO DO?!
Kian: *shrugs* Chill out, dude.
Shane: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!
Ground: *still shaking* You’re making me look bad.
Kian: *looks down* Did the ground just speak?
Shane: Yes.
Kian: GEM!! GODDAMNIT, THE GROUND DOESN’T SPEAK!! NOW QUIT IT!
Gem: *muttering* Jeeeeez…
Shane: Right. Well, are we going to do what we came here for, or sit around having a discussion with the ground?
Kian: I think I’d like to go home now.
Shane: You can’t.
Kian: Why the hell not?
Shane: Because this is only Quantum Leap 3. You’ve got about 600 more people to save before you can go home.
Kian: I’m having doubts that Gem’s gonna stick around long enough to write 600 of these things.
Shane: I’m having doubts that we’re gonna stick around long enough for her to write 600 of these things.
Kian: So shall we call this the last?
Shane: Nah. Should we do 5?
Kian: Yeah. In honour of the boy band Five.
Mark: WILL YOU’ZE GET ON WITH IT?!
Kian: Touchy.
Mark: AGH!
Shane: *whispers* I think he’s a woman in this one.
Kian: *giggles*
Mark: WILL YE JUST COME AND ****ING SAVE ME BEFORE THE BUILDING FALLS DOWN?!
Shane: Yeah, there’s a 99.9% chance that the building is gonna fall down in 30 seconds and kill you and Maria up there.
Kian: Maria?
Mark: YES, MARIA, NOW GET OVER IT AND HELP ME!
Kian: Can someone tell her to stop shouting?
Mark: HIM!
Kian: Hmm.
Shane: 20 seconds….
Kian: *climbs out of window and clings on to drainpipe*
Shane: Kian, what are you doing?
Kian: Rescuing her. Him. It. *climbs up to Mark..ia*
Shane: 10…9…..8…..7….6….5…4…3…
Kian: *pulls Mark out of window*
Mark: We’re 59 floors up, Kian.
Kian: No problem.
Shane: 2….1…… KAPOW!!
Building: *collapses*
Shane: *sniffs* Poor Kian.. I guess he never made it to episode 4…
Kian: *wanders gallantly out of the smoke, covered in dust + carrying Mark*
Shane: JESUS!! How the hell did you get down here in 2 seconds?!
Kian: That wasn’t just any two seconds, Shane. That was TV Time 2 seconds.
Shane: Good point.
Kian: Besides, I’m the hero. I can’t die.
Shane: *snorts*
Kian: So, Shaney boy, what am I here to do? Hmm?
Mark: *stares at Kian* Who are you talking to?
Kian: Umm…
Mark: *jumps away from Kian and points* FREAK! FREAK! FREAK!!!
Kian: Well, don’t worry about thanking me for saving you.
Mark: I won’t.
Kian: Hmph.
Bryan: *strolls in* Ello ello ello… What’s goin’ on ‘ere then?
Kian: Bryan, shut up.
Bryan: Now I say, laddie, don’t you be talking to a senior crime officer like that.
Kian: *sighs* Finnnnee…
Mark: *still pointing* HE TRIED TO MOLEST ME!
Kian: I’m really not liking the way this story is going.
Shane: Me neither.
Bryan: Now, now, young lady. The word is ‘violate’.
Mark: *still pointing* HE TRIED TO VIOLATE ME!
Kian: Lord help me.
Bryan: Now I say my boy, now is not the time for cursing.
Shane: Well, I’ve found out that you’re here to… Kill Bryan?!!
Kian: You mean I’ve gotta kill this guy?!
Bryan: Eh?
Shane: NOO! I mean, kick Bryan!
Kian: Oookk… *kicks Bryan*
Bryan: OUCH!
Shane: Oh, God, sorry, I meant KISS Bryan..
Kian + Bryan: That’s not funny, Shane.
Mark: *giggles*
Kian + Bryan: Shut it, Mark.
Shane: Fine, fine, OK, you’re here to stop Bryan murdering Mark, I mean, Maria, and stop Maria from marrying the dingbat who’s just entered.
Nicky: Ho ho! And here’s my fine lady, Friederich, look at her lovely dress! Isn’t she quite the English Rose?
Mark: Oh, crap.
Bryan: *raises eyebrows* Yeess… Quite the English Rose… And the name’s Bob.
Kian: BOB?!
Bryan: Yes. Bob the Bobby.
Kian: Not the Builder?
Shane: *hisses* Kiiiannn…
Bryan: Shut up.
Kian: OK. So who am I?
Bryan:…. Er?
Shane: You’re Emanuel. Nicholas’ brother and son.
Kian: WHAT THE ****?!!!
Nicky: Long story.
Kian: I BET IT IS!!!
Shane: And Maria’s brother’s father’s brother and son.
Kian: Huh?
Bryan: Huh?
Mark: Huh?
Nicky: Look, I was lonely, OK?!
Kian:.. Waiiiiitt a minute, that makes Maria my niece/cousin, and Nicky her father!
Shane: No, he’s just her stepfather.
Kian: You didn’t mention that.
Bryan: It’s still incest!
Mark: Ew!
Shane: ALRIGHT!! Fine, it’s still wrong, etc etc. *suddenly looks annoyed* Besides, you can’t see me.
Mark: Oh.. err… What was that you were saying, Bob?
Bryan: Umm.. I was stating how obviously it’s credential that Sir Elton..
Shane: Oh, shut up.
Bryan: Sorry, Shane.
Shane: *screaming* YOU CAN’T SEE ME!!
Bryan: No, I know.
Shane: *still screaming* I HATE YOU, MCFADDEN!
Bryan: Did someone speak?
Shane: RRARRRRRRRRRRGG….
Simon + Duncan Blue: *wander in singing* System up with the top down…. Got the city on lockdown…
Shane: ………What the?!
Bryan: I think Gem’s listening to Blue.
Shane: *mutters obscenities*
Gem: What was that, Filan?
Shane: *smiles sweetly* Nothing, dearest.
Gem: *hurls several vases at Shane*
Shane: HEY! This is Quantum Leap, not a mock interview!
Gem… Does anyone else sense the irony in all this?
Shane: What do you mean?
Gem: Just get on with it.
Mark: *pointing frantically* NICHOLAS!! HE TRIED TO MOLEST…
Bryan: *coughs* Violate.
Mark: NICHOLAS!! HE TRIED TO VIOLATE ME!!
Gem: *chokes*
Mark: *pauses* Was I that bad?
Gem: No, sorry, I just took a drink of Lucozade and tried to laugh at the same time. Do carry on.
Shane: Stupid girl.
Kian: OI! THE STAR OF THE SHOW IS HERE! AREN’T YOU GOING TO GIVE HIM ANY LINES?!
Bryan: *looks around* Where is he?
Kian: *slams head into brick wall and begins to cry*
Shane: La de da…
Kian: well, we’ve got really far with this story. You realise we’re on the 7th page already, and all that’s happened is that I have apparently tried to violate Maria?
Mark: Mark.
Kian: I would NOT violate Mark.
Mark: *snorts*
Gem: *giggles* I just wrote that as ‘*snots*’. *giggles again*
Kian: *knocks Gem out*
Shane: Oh. OK. Now what do we do?
Kian: *shrugs*
……..
…….
…….
…….
…….
Mark: I KNOW!!
Kian, Bryan, Nicky + Shane: WHAT????
Mark: Erm.. No, it’s gone.
Kian, Bryan, Nicky + Shane: *groan*
……..
…….
…….
…….
…….
Bryan: We could always carry on with the script.
Shane: Smart arse.
Kian: *coughs* Right. YOU LIAR! I JUST RESCUED YOU!
Nicholas, I mean, Nicky: LOCK HIM UP! THE ROGUE!
Shane: Is this reminding anyone else of Titanic?
Kian, Nicky, Bryan + Mark: SHUT UP, SHANE!
Shane: Alright, alright…
Simon + Duncan Blue: *singing* Don’t just talk… Make it happen…
Bryan: *beats the hell outta Simon and Duncan and shoves them off set*
Kian: Thank you, Bryan. Although that’s not really how I would expect a senior crime officer to behave.
Bryan: Uh huh. Anyway, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST.
Kian: No I’m not! *runs for his life*
Bryan: Oh. Darn.
Stupid boys. Later, Kian’s place.
Kian: My place just collapsed.
Fine. Kian’s mate’s place.
Lee Blue: Yo Emanuel man, wassup?
Kian: WHAT THE ****?!
Lee Blue: Simon was supposed to be doing this part. Then Bryan *glares at Bryan* beat him up. So I’m doing Simon’s accent to make up.
Kian: BRYAN!! RESCUSITATE SIMON, NOW!
Lee Blue: *looks upset* I attended your Bry’s wedding n everything…
Kian: Shut it, Lee.
Shane: ARGH!
Kian + Lee: What?
Shane: *growls* Leeeeeee….
Lee: Oh, right, yeah, I can’t see you. *sings* Yo tit for tat, tickle for tackle..
Kian: And stop singing Simon’s parts. And don’t do the accent.
Simon: *glowers* Sommat wrong with my accent?
Kian: You’re meant to be out cold.
Simon: I am. *drops to the floor*
Lee: Anyway, Emanuel man, wassup?
Kian: This girl just tried to get me arrested.
Lee: *whistles merrily* Hehe, Emanuel, were you THAT bad last night?
Kian: It’s a family site, Lee!
Lee: It was just innuendo…
Kian: Hmmmmm.
Lee: You’d better hide out here then.
Kian: I need you to help me.
Lee: Cool.
Kian: I need you to stop Bryan killing the girl who just tried to get me arrested, and then stop her marrying this pillock Nicholas.
Lee: Erm… *looks worried and tries to run away*
Kian: *grabs Lee by the throat* No you don’t.
Lee: Ack! Ack! Ack!
Kian: ……………………………………
Shane: Kian..?
Kian: Oh, right, hang on. *flips the script page over* Lee! PLEASE HELP ME!
Shane: Hey Ki, I think you’re meant to be doing it yourself.
Kian: Fiinnee… *leaves*
Later. The police station.
Bryan: *stares at Mark* So, Maria. Truth or dare?
Mark: Umm… Aren’t you meant to be taking my statement?
Bryan: Yeah, but just play along.
Mark: *raises eyebrows* OK. Truth.
Bryan: AHA! *pulls out gun and points in at Mark* The truth is, you’re going to die!
Mark: *screams* …. *pauses* Now what would you have done if I’d said Dare?
Bryan: You wouldn’t.
Mark: Why wouldn’t I have?
Bryan: Cause that’s not in the script.
Mark: Oh, right. *screams*
Bryan: *goes to pull to trigger*
Kian: *bursts in Superman stylee.. only not flying* NO YOU DON’T!
Bryan: *screams, drops the gun and runs off for all eternity*
Kian: Wow. That was easy.
Mark: *hugs Kian* Oh, Emanuel, my SAVIOUR… *reads script* I AM NOT KISSING HIM!
Shane: *yawns*
Mark: *glares at the woman behind Kian* Who’s she?
Kian: Erm.. a friend.
Shane: By the way, Nicky’s about to run in.
Nicky: *runs in* MY ANGEL!
Kian: *looks around* Me?!
Nicky: No. Maria.
Kian: You can’t marry her. Him. It.
Nicky: Oh.. why not?
Kian: Cause I said not.
Nicky: So who can I marry?
Kian: *shoves woman forward* Her. She’s called Leesa. Like Lisa. Only… slightly different...
Lee: Grrrrrrrr.
Nicky: OK. *frolicks off into the sunset*
Shane: The end. *sniffs* How beautiful.
Anthony Blue: Actually, that’s quite terrible. There were 9 pages leading up to the end, and then the finale lasted just one page. It’s a disgraceful way to write a story.
Shane, Kian + Mark: *sigh, moan, groan*
Duncan Blue: *jumps up* I agree, Ant!
Kian: What was that in aid of?
Duncan: Cause I haven’t said anything yet.
Kian: OK.
THE END.
Shane: Have you noticed how much this story went off track?
Kian: Mmmm.
Shane: And what was with the whole Blue-starring-alongside-Westlife thing?
Kian: *shrugs* Ah, hell, they’re coming back.
Blue: *run in* Baby when we’re grinding, I get so excited, ooooh how I like it, I try but I can’t fight it…
Kian + Shane: *beat the crap outta Blue*
Mark: How sweet.
Gem: Euurrrrr?! OI!! DON’T BEAT BLUE UP!
Mark: *beats the crap outta Gem*
Kian: Nice one. Wanna go now?
Shane + Mark: Yeah.
Shane, Kian + Mark: *walk off arm in arm.. I mean, singing…*
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