Quantum Leap 2

He was a man wanting to travel within his own lifetime, setting things right. He stepped into the Quantum accelerator, and vanished…Kian Beckett awoke in a body that was…oh for chrissakes, why am I doing this again?

K: *fizzles in* Woah.

N: *points a gun in Kian’s face*

B: *yells* You *bleep*ing tosser, *bleep* you, go to *bleep*ing *bleep*!

M: Now this, folks, is a bad family scene.

N: I’m gonna pull the trigger!! I AM!!

K: Ooooooh boooyyyy……

*Intro music plays*

M: Don’t worry, we’ll be right back after this short commercial break.

Keith Ex-Boyzone: We’re off air!!

M: What the hell are you doing here?

Keith: I’m trying to salvage what’s left of my fame, OK?

M: Erm…Right.. Security? Would you sort this lot out?

K: *squeaks* Heelpp!!

M: Matthew, that’s you.

K: *looks up* Was he talkin to me?

N: Wait a second. *peers on the back of Kian’s shirt* Yep.

K: Oh. *hurls Nicky into wall and grabs Bryan* NOW JUST QUIT IT!!

B: AahhH!! Put me down, freak!! You started it!

N: *groaning* Ergh..Yeeah…Uuuuuuuueerrr…. Matt… You.. ooww….

B: In fact!! *pushes Kian off* You were the one who pulled us all into this show anyway!

N: To show off…errrhh…that you can do two things at once….

K: Um. Yeah. Of course… Err..

M: MATT!! Will your get your arse over here?!

K: Whaddya want?

M: Pardon?

K: Whaddya want?

Keith: *nudges Kian* You’re forgetting something.

M: PARDON?

K: Err..sir?

M: What the hell is wrong with you?

K: Shock?

M: Hmm?!

S: *appears*

K: AAGGHH!!

S: Shhh!!

M: Wha?!

S: Sorry I took so long.

K: *glares at Shane*

S: Tell him you’ll be back in a minute and go to your dressing room. *disappears*

K: I’ll err.. be back in a minute…

M: Just to tell you that the show is going great, so hurry the hell up.

K: *runs to dressing room, enters*

Girl: *screams*

K: Oops. *exits, enters dressing room next door*

S: Dumbo.

K: Shut up.

S: Anyways, you’re..

K: Matt.

S: Um, yeah. Matthew McGuire.

K: Uh huh. Now what the hell is going on, and why did you leave me out there WITH NO HELP?!!!?

S: *mumbling* Cause I was busy killing Mark. *brightens up* That guy out there is Berry Ringer, the massive chat show host.

K: Christ.

S: You’re sorting out a family feud. Your son, Hansel, is a little cheesed off cause of his name and the fact that you’re gay.

K: Oh man.

S: And the guy with the gun is your ex-lover.

N: Oh man.

S: *calls* Nicky, stop listening at the door and bugger off.

N: *mumbles and leaves*

S: There’s a 99% chance that you’re here to save Keith the cameraman from being murdered.

K: OK.

S: Keith is your secret lover.

K: That would explain the wink.

S: He winked at you?

K: Uh huh.

Keith: *yells* I SO DID NOT!

S: KEITH!! GET LOST!!

Keith: *yells back* I AM YOUR PREDECESSOR, DON’T CHEEK ME!!

S: Ah, feck off.

K: Um, the script? THE SCRIPT?

S: Since when have you ever stuck to the script?

K: Since..now… SO GET WORKING!! SLACKER!!

G: Hurry up, or there’ll be some very speedy re-casting.

K, S & Keith: *look at Gem and bloke next to her*

Colin Reel: *smiles and waves*

S: Wonderful. Replaced by one of the new Irish boys.

Keith: Now you know how it feels.

S: Wanna go and join the replaced Irish singers lounge?

Keith: Already an honoured member.

S: Ach.

K: Shame.

S: You let them support you on tour, and what do you get for it? The end of a record deal.

Keith: *nods*

S: *raises eyebrows* Oh yeah. Sorry about that, Keith.

Keith: *shrugs* Tis OK. I can make a living from crappy films and second rate TV shows.

S: They’re second rate?

Keith: Fine, third rate. But I’ll be second rate soon, I swear it!

K: *raises eyebrows*

Keith: Ah, you shut it, it’s what you’ll be reduced to soon.

K: *glares at Colin* Woah, wait… I think that bang on the head really did do me some damage…

S: You didn’t get banged on the head. *also glares at Colin* GOOD GOD!! There’s two of them!!

Joe Reel: *smiles and waves*

Keith: You might wanna stop plugging Reel now. Unless you really want my job..

K: Ahem. *looks professional* Where were we?

Keith: *disappears*

M: MAAAAAAAAAATTT!!

Matt Reel: Yeah?

M: Oh, sod off will ye?

Matt, Colin & Joe Reel: Jeeeeeeeeeeeez…..

K: *appears* Yep?

M: We’re back on in 5.

K: Minutes?

M: What is wrong with you?!

S: *whispers* Seconds.

K:AAGHGHH!!

S: Sorry.

M: *backs away*

K: Um, yeah. *dashes on set*

B: I’m gonna kill you.

K: Oh, shutit, Hansel.

B: You with all your gay lovers.

K: At least I can get lovers.

Gem, Colin, Joe & Matt: *clapping* Woooo!! GO MATT!!

K: Are we on air?

M: *nods*

B: *tries to think of a decent comeback* Erm…

N: Well at least he isn’t a tosser like you! NYAH!!

B: I’m a tosser?

N: Gawds.

K: I’m ashamed to call you my son. You’re a liar, you’re thick, and HOMOPHOBIC!

B: And whhaattaa??!

N: What about me, huh? HUH?

K: You’re just annoying.

N: I’m really loving this script.

G: Shut up.

N: Ahem. WHY YOU!! *pounces on Kian…again*

B: Yeah! *bleeeeeeeeeep*!

M: Now, I think you should stop this silliness and calm down… Now… NOW…

Gem, Matt, Colin & Joe: BERRY!! BERRY!! BERRY!! BERRY!

K: Oh for crying out loud. *hurls Nicky on to the floor* I’m leaving. Goodbye. *stalks off*

G, M, C & J: BERRY!! BERRY!! Ooooh, MATT!! GO MATT!! GO MATT!!

S: Hey, wait up, I was enjoying that!! *stalks off after Kian*

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Hey, hold it!

S: *screeches to a halt and walks over to Cathy..umm..* As you wish… *drools*

K: WHAT?

S: *taps on Ziggy* She’s your ex-wife. *thinks* OH FOR GODS SAKES!! WWWWHHYY?! Why can’t I have Kian’s role? *cries*

B: MMMUUUMMMMYY!!

K: *raises eyebrows so much they disappear*

B: This is weird.

C: MATT!! Why did you have to divorce me? Why did you have to be gay? Huh? HUH? *cries*

S: Because he’s a sad sod who doesn’t deserve you, I wouldn’t tread you like that!!! *looks pleadingly*

K: *tries to kick Shane*

S: I’m a hologram, dope.

N: OUCH! What was that for?!

K: Erm.. nothing…

N: *leaps on Kian*

C: *leaps on Kian*

B: *leaps on Kian*

S: *screams obscenities at Kian*

K: CUT!! STOP THE BLEEPING FILM!!

M: OK folks, that’s all we have time for. *ducks to avoid flying shoe* If we just come over here I’ll give my little final thoughts…

K: GO TO HELL!!

S: Jeesh, a little touché, no?

K: *BLEEP* OFF!!

Cath: Hey, you never used to swear.

K: WELL I *BLEEP*ING DO *BLEEP*ING NOW!!

Cath: Jeesh, a little touché, no?

K: *glowers*

Keith: Annnnddd… CUT!!

N: *gets up, dusts self off* Well, I’ll be off. See ya.

B: Yeah. *gets up, gets servants to dust him off* Me too. Bye.

C: *stalks off*

K: ?!

Later. Ish.

K: So when does Keith get murdered?

S: Bout a half hour.

K: WHAAAAT??!!

S: You asked.

K: WHY THE *BLEEEEEEEEPP*…..

S: Kian, this is a family site….program…show….errr…

K: …..DIDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE?!

S: Cause you didn’t ask before.

K: AAAGGGGGGGGGHHH!! Where?!!!

S: Right here.

K: NO! Where does he get killed?!

S: Right here.

K: Oh.

S: Oh indeed. Now I believe there’s someone at the door.

Keith: Hellooo? Anyone in there?

K: Holy….erm…bananas… *opens door*

K: GET OUTTA HERE!!

S: Nope, he still gets killed, just down the street.

K: GET IN HERE!!

S: Still gets killed.

K: JUST GET OUT, NOW!

S: Yep, now he gets killed in the park.

K: GET IN THAT CUPBOARD!!

S: That really wasn’t a good idea. Now you both get killed.

K: STAY OUT OF THE ****ING CUPBOARD!!

Keith: ???????????????????????????????????

S: OK, now it’s just you who gets killed.

K: Sorry. *dives under a sofa*

S: Now he gets killed.

K: *drags Keith under sofa*

S: *raises eyebrows*

Keith: Was that the door opening? Were you expecting anyone?

K: *squeaks* No…..

S: IT’S HANSEL!! HE’S GOT A GUN!!

K: *squeaks again*

Keith: *whispers* What?

K: Hiidddeee….

B: Come out come out wherever you aarreee… Ooohohh daddy-ums…

Keith: *tries to push Kian out from under the sofa*

K: What the hell are you doing?!

Keith: Getting my son back!

S: Gasp!

K: Gasp!

B: Gasp! Oh, right, sorry, I wasn’t supposed to hear that.

S: KIAN!!! It turns out that Hansel is Keith’s son, but Hansel shot Keith by mistake! And Hansel is… WHAT?!

K: What? WHAT?

S: Hansel is also gay and loves Keith!

K: Ew, incest!

B: Hey, I don’t know he’s my dad!

K: Bryan, shut up.

B: Who’s got the gun here?!

K: Ok, Ok…. *leaps out from under the sofa and kicks Bryan in the head*

B: *falls over* OUCH!

K: *grabs gun* KEITH! GET OUT HERE!!

Keith: *clambers out* What?

K: TELL HIM! TELL HIM SO I CAN DISOWN HIM!!

B: *sob*

Keith: I’m your real daddy.

B: *sob* I’m ssooooweeeeee….. *sob sob* I take back all that homophobic crap… really I do..

K: HANSEL!! TELL HIM!!

B: Erm, I wuv you daddy….

S: Aww, cute.

K: *sob* Now I’m all alone…

Catherine Z-J: *runs in* I STILL LOVE YOU!

S: Oh Lord.

K: *hugs C Z-J*

S: *starts zapping self out* I hate this job.

G: Yeah yeah.

S: *sticks tongue out at Gem*

G: *shoves Colin Reel forward* He’s so much better looking than Shane, don’t you think?

S: SORRY! OK, FINE, I’M SORRY!!

G: Thank you. Now get on with it.

S: *leaves*

M: And this, folks, is what we call a happy ending. That’s my final thought. Thank you.

K: Ah, fuc……*fizzles out*

Doo dooo doooo…

K: *fizzles in* k off….. Hmm.

Ground: *shakes*

K: The ground is shaking.

M: HELP ME!! HELP ME!!

K: *leans outta window and looks up* Why are you yelling help out of your window?

M: I’M TRAPPED!

S: This is what’s called an earthquake, Kian.

M: HELP!!

K: Ooooooooh boooyyyyy……

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