Mock Shane Interview 2
Well,obviously I had some questions to ask a certain Mr. Filan after recent events.So, I stalked him… I mean, saw him in Manchester and stopped him to ask a fewquestions. In disguise, obviously. He still hasn’t forgiven me for the lift incident.
Gem: *runs over to Shane* SHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!
Shane: Uh Oh. *belts it*
Gem: OI!
S: *screeches to a halt,turns round and smiles sweetly* Oh, sorry. I didn’t see you.
G: Liar.
S: Erm?!
G: *smiles even sweeter-lythan Shane* Ahem. Can I ask you something? *steers Shane into Starbucks*
S: Erm?!
G: Good. *sits Shane down*RIGHT.
S: *cowers*
G: Why did you lie?? HMM?
S: Errrr??
G: IT’S ALL VERY WELLERR-ING!
S: *gets tears in eyes*
G: You liiiiieeeddd aboutGillian!! BAD BOY!!
S: *bursts into tears*
G: Erm. Shane? Don’t cry.People are staring.
S: *sob* But I LOVE her….*sob sob sob*
G: Shane. Calm. Pleasestop crying. The manager is looking.
S: *cries even more* Idon’t want people to pick on me.. I just want to be left alone with heerrr…*starts crying hysterically*
G: Aww, jeez. Now I feelbad. *bends down and picks up the flowers Shane’s been carting about* Hmm.Addressed for Ireland. *opens tag* To Gillian… Err, Shane?
S: Yeah? *sniff sniff*
G: Happy Saturday?!!!
S: What’s *sniff* wrongwith that *sniff*?
G: It’s pathetic.
S: *gets tears in eyesagain*
G: NOOO… Don’t cry,PLEASE!
S: OK.. *wipes awaytrickly tears*
G: Let’s talk aboutsomething else..
S: But I don’t want to talk about anything else! I want to talk aboutGILLIAN!
G: No.
S: Why?
G: Because.
S: But she’s pretty, andgorgeous, and funny, and incredible, and…
G: …And that’s why I saidno.
S: What? Oh, right. Sorry.
G: Sorry. Yes, so you shouldbe. We can’t all be as perfect as Gillian.
S: *gazes into space*
G: Shane?
S: ………
G: *waves hand in front ofShane’s face* Helloooo? Shane?
S: …..OOOH, sorry.
G: Let me guess. Thinkingof the oh so wonderfully perfect Gillian.
S: *smiles and goes allgooey-eyed* Perfect, yeah, that’s her.
G: Oh for God’s sakes.
S: Wait, did I sense atouch of…. jealousy?
G: Oh no. I’m not jealous atall. She’s only pretty, charming, nice, andgoing out with one of the fittest guys on earth. Jealous? Don’t be stupid.
S: Oh.
G: Not sensing anysarcasm, then.
S: Not really.
G: Hmm.
S: One of?
G: Wha?!
S: You said ‘one of’ thefittest guys. What’s that supposed to mean?!
G: Erm…
S: Are you telling me thatyou no longer think I’m the fittest guy on the planet?
G: No?
S: *sniffs* No, come on,tell me. Who else? *wipes away tears*
G: *raises eyebrows* It’snot like I’ve been cheating on you..
S: OF COURSE IT IS!! Nowtell me!!
G: *sigh* Joe, Colin,Philip, Garry, Matthew….
S: Jeez, you have beenbusy!
G: Whaddya expect when youdisappear all summer?!
Waiter: Ooooooooooh, firstlover’s tiff??
G: Freak.
Waiter: Oooooooh, firstwaiter insult?
S: *kicks waiter*
Waiter: Ooooooh, thathurt?
S: Go away.
Waiter: *leaves* I QUIT!
G: Erm.
S: Anyway. Those namesseem familiar.
G: Probably.
S: Who are they? Some kindof band?
G: Erm, possibly.
S: Which band?
G: *mutters* Reel.
S: Who? Speak up.
G: Reel.
S: Still didn’t hear.
G: REEL!
S: Why, the little sods!Trying to steal my crown!
G: YEAH, WELL!! YOU CAN’TEXPECT ME TO FANTASISE ABOUT MARRYING YOU WHEN YOU’VE GOT A DAMNED GIRLFRIEND!!
S: *cries*
Philip Reel: *leans over*You fantasise about marrying me?!
G: Erm, forget I saidthat.
Philip: *nods, goes backto coffee*
G: Shane. Stop crying.You’re making my jeans wet.
S: Then move your legs.
G: No. It’s kinda cool tohave you crying on my legs.
S: Wait one second.
G: Emm, what?
S: Who the hell are you?
G: No one. Just a fan.
S: *pulls tape recorderout of Gem’s pocket* What the hell is this?
G: A tape recorder?
S: *inspects tape recorderand points to Westlife Mania logo* What the hell is that doing on there?
G: Not a lot.
S: *pulls Gem’s wig off*IT’S YOU!
G: Errr…
S: *grabs Philip’s coffee,tips it over Gem’s head*
G: OI!
Philip: OI!
S: Didn’t that burn yourscalp?
Philip: It was cold.
S: Oh.
G: You wanted to burn my scalp?!!
S: Erm, no, of course not…
G:RAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGHH!!!!
S: No, really. Err. *runsfor his life* AAAAAAAGGGHHHH!! HEELLPP!!
G: *runs after Shane andprepares to hurl coffee mugs at him* RRAAAARRRGHH
Philip: KILL HIM GEM!! LETREEL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! *laughs evilly* BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!
G: *screeches to a halt*Er, Philip?
Philip: Uh huh?
G: Don’t do that.
Philip: OK. Sorry.
G: *runs after Shaneagain, hurling coffee mugs at him* DIEEEEE!! DDDIIIIIIEEEEEE!!
And so I chased him up and down and aroundMarket Street. Until I ran out of coffee mugs. Damnit.
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