Season VI, Episode XVI, Hell's Bells
D'Hoffryn hands Anya a tissue.

D'HOFFRYN
It's time you got back to what you do best,
don't you think?

Season VI, Episode XVIII, Entropy
Shot of Spike and Anya having sex on the Magic Box table.

ANYA
You left me, Xander. At the altar. I don't owe
you anything.

Season VI, Episode XX, Villains
Xander and Anya in the Magic Box trying to find Willow.

XANDER
Is that like, left over, from your vengeance
demon days? That you can sense her?

ANYA
Not left over.

A few minutes later. Xander speaking to Buffy. Bitterness in his voice.

XANDER
Seems Anya got her vengeance on again.

Season VII, Episode I, Stone Cold
Buffy and Xander training. Buffy lands on top of Xander. Buffy very slowly lowers her face towards Xander's.

ANYA
[Off-Screen]
Sure hasn't taken you long to move on has
it Xander!

Season VII, Episode I, Stone Cold
Anya and Xander talk.

ANYA
Where I've been... It has given me time to think.
To realise what I could be losing... I want us back
Xander.

XANDER
I don't know if I feel the same way anymore

ANYA
Because I slept with Spike?

XANDER
Because of us.

There is silence.

ANYA
I love you.

XANDER
And I don't know if I love you.

TEASER

Scene: Magic Box [Int.], Day
ANYA has a broom in her hand and she is sweeping up. XANDER enters the shop.

ANYA
Welcome to the Magic Box,
how can I... Oh, it's you.

XANDER
Did I leave my safety glasses here?

ANYA
I haven't seen them.

She picks up a very large, very ugly, very unwieldy bronze urn from the floor, and attempts to sweep under it. She overbalances, and she makes as if to fall on the floor. XANDER rushes in, catches her in one arm in classic heroic sweep-her-off-her-feet fashion, and the urn in the other.

XANDER
Careful!

He puts her back on her feet and is still hefting the urn in one hand.

XANDER
(continued)
Where do you want this thing?

ANYA
(flustered)
Just hold it for a minute.

ANYA makes with the sweeping, but any fool can tell she's a little out of it. XANDER, however, is more than the average fool.

ANYA
(steps back)
All right.

XANDER
(puts urn down, and in a timid voice)
Willow hasn't... been in lately, has she?

ANYA
No. Well, yes. But Buffy was
with her and she didn't take anything.

XANDER
Oh. Good.

ANYA
Not like there is much here that
she could use, after... um...

That dead awkward silence. ANYA intensifies her sweeping. XANDER stands there looking as out of place as an evangelist in a porn shop.

XANDER
You heard Dawn was out of the hospital?

ANYA
Yes. She was in here too,
making another payment on her tab.

Sweep sweep sweep crash tinkle! She knocks over a jar with small brown round things in it that go rolling everywhere.

ANYA
Oh damn! Not the bezoar stones!

ANYA drops to the floor and starts chasing after the nasty brown thingies. XANDER goes after the farther distant ones. He crouches down and sweeps the errant thingies into her hands, and their fingers touch. Then their eyes meet. Then ANYA moves in as if to kiss him.

XANDER
(standing up quickly and backing away)
No.

ANYA
(still crouched amidst the bezoar stones)
What?

XANDER
No. Nothing's changed.

He strides quickly out of the shop.


Scene: Sunnydale Museum of Natural History [Int.], Day
DR. PLOTPUNTO is sitting at his desk, reading something. He is surrounded by half-opened boxes and crates, with the bodies of various stuffed reptiles hanging out of them, very creepily. A knock at his door is followed by the DELIVERY GUY coming in butt-first, wheeling a huge crate on a dolly.

DELIVERY GUY
Heya, Dr. Plotpunto. Got another box for
ya from far off lands.

DR. PLOTPUNTO
Is it my stuffed Chinese Leopard?

DELIVERY GUY
(looks at BOL [Bill of Loading to you civilians])
Nope, says here it's from Nepal.

DR. PLOTPUNTO
OOOH! My Nepalese Giant Gecko!

He grabs a crowbar and goes to start prying the box open.

DELIVERY GUY
Hey, Doc! You know the rules!
(taps clipboard on crate meaningfully.)

DR. PLOTPUNTO
Oh, yes, sorry, got a little carried away.

The good DOCTOR puts the clipboard on top of the crate and looks for a pen.

We see a small, orange spider crawl out of the crack he made in the box, and it climbs up onto the clipboard. DELIVERY GUY hands the DOCTOR a pen. The DOCTOR picks up the clipboard with his right hand and signs his name with his left. The eensy weensy spider crawls onto his hand, and burrows quickly into the flesh.

DR. PLOTPUNTO
Thank you.

He hands back the clipboard and pen, and suddenly freezes in spot.

DELIVERY GUY
Doc? Hey, Doc!
(waves clipboard in front of the doctor's face)
Huh. Must be thinking deep thoughts.

DELIVERY GUY grabs his dolly, and the camera follows him as he wheels it out into the hallway, whistling. Suddenly, there is an unearthly scream, and he turns to look back from whence he came, while we go to...


CREDITS

(da da da dah... da da, da da dah! (squeedlydo!) da, da da dah, da da, daaa da daaa, daaah, dadadadadadadadadADADADADADADADAdadadadadadadaDaDaDaDaDAAAAH badabum, badabum, badabuuuuum!)


ACT I

Scene: Summers' Home, Living Room [Int.], Day
Buffy's wearing the DMP uniform, but carrying the hat in her hand.

BUFFY
These stupid tail feathers
keep getting scrunched.

DAWN
(putting notepad and binder into backpack)
You should quit throwing it on the
ground when you get home then.

BUFFY
It's a stress relief thing. You'll
understand when you're older.

DAWN
Oh, like I don't understand stress now.
(pauses, stares at backpack)
What am I forgetting?

BUFFY
Oh, the fun I could have with that question....

DAWN
My lunch!
(runs into the kitchen)

BUFFY
(calls after her)
Did you even make one?

WILLOW
(comes down stairs, wearing backpack)
Dawnie, ready to go? Oh, morning Buffy.

BUFFY
(sings)
There she is! Miss Sunnydale U!

WILLOW
Oh, please. Like I'd win a stupid
frat-sponsored contest.

BUFFY
Well, at least you're in the running. You're a
student. Female student. Very important, being
female student, in winning the contest. Since
male students can't win. Or females in stupid
cow-and-chicken hats who aren't students...

WILLOW
You'd win the Ms. Double Meat
Palace competition in a heartbeat.

BUFFY
Who'd want to win that? The place is an offshoot
of a hell dimension. It's where hell dimensions go
when they've been bad.

WILLOW
It's not that bad.

DAWN stops in the hallway, where she can hear anything.

BUFFY
I hate it. I loathe it with every fibre of my being.

WILLOW
So come back to college with me. I need the
study buddy.

BUFFY
I can't. I would really love to, but I have...
responsibilities.

WILLOW
I'm really sorry, Buffy. But one day you'll go back!

BUFFY
Yeah.
(shakes head)
But look at you! You're already going back. I'm
really proud of you, Will.

WILLOW
(blushes)
Aw, well...

DAWN decides she can't learn anything more by eavesdropping.

DAWN
Okay, the train is leaving the station. Can I drive?

BUFFY AND WILLOW
NO!

WILLOW
(con't)
I'll drive.

DAWN
Awww... please?

WILLOW
No.

The two of them walk out the door. BUFFY is still standing there, holding her hat and picking at the tail feathers.

BUFFY
And I'll keep on doing what I need to do.

She walks out the door...

Scene: Summers' House [Ext.], Day
...and WILLOW calls to her from the car.

WILLOW
Buffy! Something's happened at the museum!

BUFFY rushes over to the car, and sticks her head in. The three of them listen to...

RADIO ANNOUNCER (v.o)
...the Sunnydale police are still searching the
museum for the killer. Dr. Plotpunto, a
respected zoologist, appeared to have
been completely drained, according to one
eyewitness. He leaves behind two grown
children. And now, back to the music...

WILLOW
What should we do?

BUFFY
You two go to school. I'm going to work.

Scene: Xander's Apartment [Int.], day
There's a knock at the door. Enter XANDER, drying his hair with a towel. He opens the door, and ANYA is there.

ANYA
Hi.

XANDER
This is a bad time.

The camera pulls back to show he's wearing a towel around his waist. We're pretty sure he's got nothing on under it (rowr!)

ANYA
I just... I'm real sorry about the way I acted in
the shop this morning.

XANDER
Okay.

ANYA
I mean, I didn't mean-I didn't mean to make
you uncomfortable.

XANDER
That's great. Okay, so let's keep this streak of
not-making-me-uncomfortable going, and I'll see
you later.

XANDER tries to close the door, but ANYA puts her hand out and stops it.

ANYA
I'm not done.

XANDER
I am.

XANDER tries to push the door closed, but ANYA keeps it open with one hand. He throws all his weight behind it, and she easily keeps it open.

ANYA
You could have let me die that night. But you didn't,
you saved me.

XANDER
(sarcastically)
And boy, am I regretting that decision now.

ANYA
Xander, this is serious. You felt something,
I know you did.

XANDER
Okay, all wise and knowing one, what did I feel?

ANYA
I think-What I want to know is, do you still love me?

XANDER stops pushing at the door, opens it wide so he can look ANYA in the face.

XANDER
Love you? Honestly, Anya, think about what you just said.
(slaps self in forehead)
Oh, I'm sorry, that's right, you're Anyanka now.

ANYA
What do you mean by that?

XANDER
How can I love someone who at the first sign of
trouble goes and willingly becomes a demon?
Can't stick it out? Can't face the danger?

ANYA
(screeching, going into prune-face)
Xander Harris, you are the most stupid, selfish man in the world!

She poofs away. XANDER is left there, staring into the empty hallway. He frowns sadly, introspectively.

XANDER
Yeah, probably.

The phone rings and he closes the door.


Scene: Sunnydale Museum of Some Junk [Int.], Day
XANDER and BUFFY cross the tape in the museum. XANDER is now fully clothed, and BUFFY is wearing her uniform, minus the hat and name tags. Of course, a uniform jumps out in front of them.

UNIFORM
You can't come in here, it's a crime scene.

XANDER and BUFFY look at each other.

BUFFY
We're... the cleaning staff.

XANDER
We were sent to get the... things.

UNIFORM
Oh, well, okay. But you have to wait until they get
done with dusting for fingerprints.

BUFFY
It was so sad, when we heard what happened to
the Doctor.

XANDER
Yes, the dear Doctor was such... a great man.

UNIFORM
(not exactly paying attention to Buffy's face)
Uh huh.

BUFFY
(best bubbly SoCal look)
So, do they have any idea?

UNIFORM
Huh?

BUFFY
How he died?

XANDER starts edging off, and he disappears into the Doctor's office.

UNIFORM
Well, the paramedic said he thinks it's some kind of
coronary or stroke.
(recites from memory)
Some problem with the body's electrical system.

BUFFY
How'd they know that?

UNIFORM
Well, they hooked him up to this monitor, see?
And usually, even after a person has been dead
for a few hours, they still get a little electrical
reading. But on this, nothing. Sometimes it
happens when people are electrocuted.

BUFFY
Really?

UNIFORM
Yeah. Uh, so... what are you doing tonight?

BUFFY
Oh, well, um, I work nights...

Her voice fades out and the camera pans along the baseboard, and we catch up with the itsy bitsy spider, trucking along.

Suddenly, it's covered in grey dust, falling from the sky.

It stops, and a brush sweeps past it. When the brush passes by again, it jumps onto the handle, and crawls up, onto a rubber-gloved hand.

The camera pulls back, showing it's a WOMAN in a tech's white coat. The spider crawls up to her wrist, and digs in.

TECH
OW!
(mutters and scratches at her wrist)
Stupid place is full of fleas.

She stops in her tracks, and her eyes glaze over.

Camera cuts back to BUFFY and her suitor.

BUFFY
I just got out of this bad relationship...

UNIFORM
How about the Bronze? Just you, me, some
non-alcoholic coffee fun... no commitment...

Another unearlthy scream from off-camera. The UNIFORM takes off down the hall, running, BUFFY on his heels. XANDER pops out of the office and follows them. The uniform kneels and checks for a pulse, and utters the fateful words...

UNIFORM
She's dead.

dun Dun DUN!

ACT II

Scene: Double Meat Palace [Int.], Day
BUFFY rushes in, still attaching her name badge. She pushes through people to get behind the counter.

The MANAGERESS intercepts her just as she makes it behind the counter.

MANAGER
What time do you call this?

BUFFY
A little tardy…?

MANANGER
That's funny. I call it two hours late.

BUFFY
I know. And I'm sorry. I just… there was
something really important I had to take care
of.

MANAGER
What is more important than this?

BUFFY
[under her breath]
Monopoly?
[aloud]
I'm really sorry. And it won't happen again.
from now on, 'Punctuality' is my middle
name. You can even put it on my badge.

MANAGER
Won't happen again?

BUFFY
I promise.

MANAGER
You promised that the last time. And the
time before that. You're unreliable, Buffy.
Other employees who've been here less
time than you are moving up at Doublemeat,
really going somewhere. Some of them
have two, even three stars. And you're
still on one.

BUFFY
[sarcastically]
Ooh.

MANAGER
I'm taking all this time you've missed out
of your pay. But can you assure me that
you won't be late again?

BUFFY
[monotonous, mocking]
Yes. I promise I will never be late for work
again.

The MANAGER doesn't exactly smile, but her look softens a little.

BUFFY
(continued)
Because I quit.

The MANAGER's face drops.

BUFFY takes off her name badge and places it on the counter. She walks out.

The MANAGER is left staring at the swinging door BUFFY has just left through.


Scene: UC Sunnydale [Ext.], Day
WILLOW is walking in between classes, not totally paying attention to the scenery, which explains why she runs right into someone, dropping her books.

WILLOW
Oh! Gosh, I am so sorry!

We see HEATHER properly for the first time. She's attractive, albeit it little ditsy. She smiles at WILLOW.

HEATHER
Willow? Is that you? Wow! I haven't seen you
in ages!

WILLOW
Hi! Hiya Heather. How are you?

HEATHER
Oh, just peachy. Another lovely semester of
articles and past participles. Are you taking
Dead Languages for the Ignorant Masses again?

WILLOW
No, I decided to actually work on my major
classes for a while, and I had to drop Latin.

HEATHER
Bah. Sciences. Give me a nice text to translate
any day. I don't understand how you can handle
the math.

WILLOW
Rubber gloves and tongs.

The two girls laugh conspiratorially, and HEATHER pats WILLOW on the shoulder.

HEATHER
Class sure won't be the same without you
whispering things like that in the back row. Hey,
I heard a rumor that you and Tara moved off
campus together, wink, wink.

WILLOW
(pulls back slightly)
Yes, we did.

HEATHER
(oblivious)
So, how is she doing?

WILLOW
She was killed, in May.

HEATHER
(completely and utterly shocked)
Oh, oh God, Willow! What--- How--- and you let
me blather on? Oh God! I'm so sorry! Do you
need anything? A casserole? Or something?
I'm sorry, My family's Methodist, our reaction
to everything is to offer food and I am babbling,
how are you doing?

WILLOW
I'm... doing better. It's still hard.

HEATHER
Well, of course it's hard! Gosh.

They hear a clock chime the hour, four p.m. HEATHER tears a page out of her notebook, scribbles on it.

HEATHER
(pushes paper into Willow's hand)
Here's my new phone number. I hate to leave now,
but I'm late for class. Call me if you need anything.
Even if it comes in a covered dish.

WILLOW
I will.

She takes the paper

HEATHER
Gosh. Take care.
(grabs Willow and hugs her, then runs off)

Willow is left standing there, a little bewildered, but her face is clear.

Scene: Summers' House [Int.], Day
BUFFY enters through the front door. DAWN is coming down the stairs.

DAWN
You're back early.

BUFFY
Funny story.

DAWN
What happened?

BUFFY walks through into the living room.

BUFFY
I quit.

DAWN's eyes widen at this, and she follows her sister.

DAWN
As in 'quit' quit?

BUFFY
Ahah. This is me, unemployed Buffy.
[suddenly realising]
With no income. And a house to pay for. And a
dependent to support. And put through college…
Maybe I should have thought this through…

DAWN
It's cool. You can find a new job. One with less
grease.

BUFFY
What if I can't? Without a job, there's no way
we're going to be able to afford… anything.

DAWN
It's okay. We'll just cut back on luxuries, like
food and soap.

BUFFY
Dawn, this is serious.

DAWN
I know it is. But Buffy, it's okay. It's good that
you quit. I'm glad. I know you sort of only kept
the job for me.

BUFFY
Dawn I had to, you're my-

DAWN
[interrupting]
Thank you.

BUFFY smiles.

DAWN
But you deserve a better job. One without a dorky
outfit.

The front door opens again.

WILLOW (o.s.)
[calling]
Buffy?

BUFFY
We're in here.

WILLOW steps into the living room.

WILLOW
Hey.

BUFFY
Hey.

WILLOW
I heard about the second body at the museum.
Did you check it out?

BUFFY
Xander and I snooped around, but the professor
had been taken to the pathology labs already.
I couldn't get too close to the second body either,
but I didn't see anything that might explain how
they died- no teeth marks or anything.

DAWN
Buffy quit Doublemeat.

WILLOW
What? Buffy, that's great! Well, except the you
not having a job part…

BUFFY
Weren't we talking about homicides?

WILLOW
Oh, right. I'll hack into the lab reports and see
what I can turn up.

WILLOW sits down on the sofa, and starts working on the laptop sitting on the table.

WILLOW
[while typing]
I can't believe you quit!

DAWN
She's burger-free Buffy now.

BUFFY
Bad hours anyway.

DAWN
Yeah, don't you just hate those pesky in-the-
middle-of-the-day jobs?

BUFFY
I have other commitments, okay?! Such as
snooping around crime scenes.

WILLOW
Okay, I'm in. Just give me a second to access
the victims' reports.

BUFFY
(continued)
Besides, I've had enough of flipping burgers with
suspicious origins. I don't even want to know where
the meat comes from- it's bad enough what we do
it. For all I know, we were probably frying burgers in-

WILLOW
[interrupting]
Spider venom!

BUFFY
Exactly. …hah?

WILLOW
The victims both had traces of spider venom in their
blood.

BUFFY
Spider venom? Could this be the work of an evil
Peter Parker? I always though Toby McGuire looked
creepy. He has a crazy person's eyes.

DAWN
[to Willow}
Is there anything else?

WILLOW
There's an online news bulletin here. It says
another two bodies have been found, "drained
of life. Police are looking into it".

BUFFY
We need to as well.

WILLOW
I'll find out what I can online.

DAWN
Can I help?

WILLOW
Sure. There's some books upstairs on the
dresser in my room. They might have
something. Can you go and get them?

DAWN heads upstairs.

BUFFY
[heading out]
I'll head out to patrol, see what else I can find out.
Will-

WILLOW turns from the laptop to face BUFFY.

BUFFY
People are dying. Find something.

WILLOW nods.

BUFFY heads out.


Scene: Sunnydale Museuem [Ext.], Evening
It's got some steps, and metal railings down both sides. Yellow caution tape has now cut off the entire building. There are several police cars still parked out front, and a small crowd has gathered. A COUPLE OF UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICERS have the duty of keeping the people out of the way.

The orange spider is crawling along the railing. A SMALL BOY is at the bottom of the steps, playing with some cars. His MOTHER is sitting next to him on the step, holding tight to one of his hands, and arguing with a POLICEMAN.

MOTHER
I don't care what you say, my feet hurt and I am
not hurting anything by sitting here.

POLICEMAN
Ma'am, you are blocking the entrance.

MOTHER
There are thirty feet of entrance! Are you saying my
butt is that big?

POLICEMAN
(out of his leauge)
No---

MOTHER
Then I am fine right here.

The spider is spinning a thread, lowering itself from the railing. It lands on the LITTLE BOY'S car. He looks at it as his MOTHER continues to argue with the POLICE OFFICER.

POLICEMAN
They're about to bring the search dogs out,
ma'am, I need you to move...

MOTHER
Why? They're trained, aren't they? They won't
bite me.

POLICEMAN
It's not that...

It crawls towards his hand, and he jerks it away. The spider pauses, and the LITTLE BOY moves slowly, not wanting to startle the spider, as he reaches down to pick it up.

And a loud barking makes the BOY look up and scamper into his MOTHER'S arms, screaming. She stands up, but we are left at the vantage point of the spider. A large, menacing looking German Sheperd is jumping and straining, trying to get closer to the little matchbox car. The K-9 handler is straining just as hard on the harness.

K-9 HANDLER
Frankie! NO! Sit! Frankie, Heel!

The K-9 handler drags the dog away. The spider scampers off across the concrete as fast as its eight little legs can carry it.

MOTHER
You get that rabid dog away from my son!

We see her flats confront the black shoes of the POLICEMAN she was arguing with earlier.

POLICEMAN
Ma'am, if you would just...

She takes a step back, and the spider narrowly misses becoming a grease spot. It heads away from her.

MOTHER
Touch me again and I will sue for police brutality!

POLICEMAN
Ma'am, please...

The spider crawls onto the POLICEMAN'S shoe and settles quite comfortably into the laces.

MOTHER
Oh, I'm leaving. But you haven't heard the last from me!
Or my lawyer!

Another pair of shiny black shoes walk up.

POLICEMAN DEUX
God, what crawled up her butt and died?

POLICEMAN
I dunno, Deux. Let's head back, I'm ready to go home.

The two sets of feet start walking across sidewalk, and then onto blacktop. They stop, and we hear a car door open. We watch as the spider, still chilling in the laces, is carried into the police car, and the door slams, changing the scene to....


Scene: Cemetery [Ext.], Night
BUFFY walks alone through the cemetery. Suddenly, she pulls a stake from her pocket, and lets fly. It hits the side of a crypt, and shatters into some small toothpicks and sawdust.

SPIKE (v.o)
I guess it's true...

BUFFY whirls around, to find him standing behind her.

SPIKE
Stakes don't kill people, people do.

BUFFY
You are just... no, I stand corrected. You ARE the last
person I need to see right now.
(she produces another stake)
But since I'm feeling generous, you have three seconds.
Three...

SPIKE
(raises hands in surrender)
I'm just your backup. We don't know if those
Mother-lovers are still hanging around.

BUFFY
And how do I know you're not in league with them now?

SPIKE
Would I kill my own people?

BUFFY gives him a look.

SPIKE
Okay, well, you've got me there.

BUFFY
It's the new Slayer philosophy. If it's got a bad
overbite and no heartbeat, don't trust it.

BUFFY starts to walk away.

SPIKE
(calls after her)
You trusted Angel.

BUFFY turns around, but doesn't move closer.

BUFFY
You did NOT just bring him up. You are worse than
an old boyfriend.

SPIKE gets a look in his eye breifly, like he's going to go for that opening, but it clears and he returns to his original track

SPIKE
Was it because he had a soul?

BUFFY
Please. Soul has nothing to do with it. Warren had a
soul... Willow has a soul... and look at what they did.
Trust is earned, and you don't get bonus points for souls.

BUFFY heads off. SPIKE reaches into a pocket, pulls out a cancer stick and a lighter, inhales some carcinogens, and states most eloquently...

SPIKE
Damn, I need a beer.


ACT III

Scene: Summers' House [Int.], Night
BUFFY walks through the front door. She walks into the Living Room. WILLOW is still working at the computer. DAWN is sitting on the floor in front of her, surrounded by books.

BUFFY
Have you found anything?

WILLOW
Plenty. None of it great.

BUFFY
Tell me anyway.

WILLOW
I found a number of similar incidents in
Northern India and Nepal-

BUFFY
The shipping order to the museum was from
Nepal.

WILLOW
Then this could be a match.

BUFFY and DAWN both come over to look at the laptop.

WILLOW
[reading from screen]
A demonic spider indigenous to the jungles
of Nepal… it says here its bite can literally
suck the life-force from people. It has to
drain others in order to survive.

DAWN
I hate spiders.

BUFFY
[looking at picture]
It's tiny. How are we supposed to find
something that small? How am I supposed
to fight something that small?

DAWN
What about magick? Willow could do a locator
spell. I could help.

WILLOW stays silent.

BUFFY
[uneasy]
I don't think that's such a great idea. We'll just
have to come up with something else.

WILLOW
How about this? Apparently the spider has a
natural predator.

DAWN
The Green Goblin?

WILLOW
A Nepalese bat. The spider has a specific
pheromone signature that the bat can hone in on.
It might lead us right to it.

BUFFY
Great. Can you order Nepalese bats on ebay?
It was a good idea, Will, but where are we going
to get a middle-Eastern bat from?

WILLOW types something into the laptop.

WILLOW
Try Sunnydale Zoo.


Scene: The Bronze [Int.], Night
Enter SPIKE. He walks over to the bar.

SPIKE
Beer. As alcoholic as possible.

The guy behind the bar fetches and hands over said beer. SPIKE hands him a note and walks away.

He trudges through the club a little way before noticing ANYA on her own, at a table. She is staring into her drink and playing with the swizzle stick.

SPIKE walks over. He laughs a small, half-hearted laugh.

ANYA looks up.

ANYA
What's funny?

SPIKE
Just when I thought that no-one could have had a
night as bad as I've had, here you are to prove me
wrong. Ain't life grand?

ANYA
[gallingly]
I think the Irony Appreciation Society table is over
there.

SPIKE pulls up a stool.

SPIKE
[sitting]
That's okay. I prefer the Sarcasm Appreciation
Society anyway. And that's right here.

ANYA
Go away.

SPIKE
Do you want to talk about it?

ANYA
Yes… No… Yes… stop asking me questions!
God, is that all you do?

SPIKE
Okay then, this one looks complicated.

ANYA
[irritable]
It is. Really complicated. Ludicrously
complicated. Just like everything else in
life. Why does everything always have to
be so complicated?

SPIKE
I dunno. Makes things interesting, I guess.
Makes life worth living, the surprises, the
dilemmas.

ANYA
[frustrated]
But it's not supposed to be complicated!
That was the point! That was the whole
point in becoming a demon again. To
makes things uncomplicated. To not have
to care about life or love or stupid Xander
Harris, or any of it.

SPIKE
Ah. So that's what this is about.

ANYA
No.

SPIKE looks at her cynically.

ANYA
Yes.

SPIKE
Should have known. Only something that
can make you truly happy can make you
truly miserable.

ANYA
He's just so… argh!

SPIKE
Maybe I shouldn't stay.

ANYA
Why, so you don't have to hear about it? I
didn't ask you to sit down here, you know!

SPIKE
No, because last time you and me had this
conversation over a couple of drinks, it didn't
turn out all that well.

ANYA
Oh. …Well there's no chance of that
happening again. I'm giving up on men.
Completely. I'm going to be the world's
foremost lesbian demon. I'm going to have
feminist columns in "What Demon?" and
"Evil Digest". And I'm going to open a
she-demon only nightclub in the barren
wastelands of Dh'y'va'khar.

SPIKE
Won't work.

ANYA
[indignant]
It will so! I can sell the shop, find some
Premises, work out costs and a business
plan.

SPIKE
I mean giving up.

ANYA
On men?

SPIKE
On love.

ANYA looks away, uncomfortable.

SPIKE
Seems to me you've already got the perfect
job for hating men. There's just one problem.

ANYA
Love?

SPIKE
Love.

ANYA
But I'm not supposed to. Being a demon again
was supposed to stop me from loving him.

SPIKE
Nothing stops you from loving someone. Not
demons or spells or… the fact that they're the
bitch from beyond the grave.

ANYA
What?

SPIKE shakes it off.

SPIKE
Oh, not Xander.

ANYA
I wish that I wished I didn't love him. But being
a demon was supposed to do that, and I love him
more than ever. And I think it's the being a demon
that's keeping him away!

SPIKE
So why don't you give it up?

ANYA
Give it up?

SPIKE
Wave goodbye to your demon side.

ANYA
It can't be done. You can't just switch between
demon and human, just like that.

SPIKE
So then how did you get the gig?

ANYA
The standard sell-your-soul contract.

SPIKE
Ah. Wide-eyed and willing.

ANYA
(shrugs)
I wasn't using it for anything. Besides, it was a good
job.

SPIKE
Don't you mean 'is'?

ANYA
Well... yes, of course I mean it is a good job. Nice
hours, good benefits...
(Spike looks at her.)
No. It's not.

SPIKE
All right, what's the loophole?

ANYA
What?

SPIKE
The loophole. You became human once, so we know
it's possible. How's it done?

ANYA
But last time... it was a mistake.

SPIKE
So this time will be on purpose.

ANYA
It's not that easy. I was tricked into becoming human.
If I willingly broke the contract...

SPIKE
Big, nasty, hairy warts?

ANYA
Cessation of existence.

SPIKE shrugs and takes a sip from his beer.

SPIKE
Death? That's not so bad. You get used to it.

ANYA
No, I cease to exist. My soul doesn't go off to some
other Hell dimension, it no longer *is*. I am not. It's a
very slow and painful process, I'm told. Feeling your
essence bleed into nothingness...

SPIKE
You've been researching.

ANYA
(small smile)
It's what a good Scooby does.

SPIKE
So, there's got to be some reason you're considering
it...

ANYA
Sometimes.... sometimes, very rarely, D'Hoffryn
grants your last wish, so for the last few hours of
your existence, you have a little bit of happiness.

SPIKE
Your choices are life and liberty, or the pursuit of happiness.
(Anya nods)
If it was me, I'd choose the happiness. Too much life
and liberty in this world, and damned little happiness.

ANYA
I suppose it might not be so bad- not existing. No
more pain. No more gut-wrenching, mind-twisting
heartache. No more loneliness. No more.

SPIKE
Sounds pretty dull to me. And that might be even
more painful than living.

ANYA
No. It wouldn't. It wouldn't be like Buffy coming back
from Heaven and being all depressed and not wanting
to live. I wouldn't even be alive. I wouldn't be anything.

SPIKE
Are you sure he's worth it? I mean, personally, I just
don't see it…

ANYA
He's worth it. The only way for us to be together
is for me to be human again…

ANYA gets up and starts to walk away.

SPIKE grabs her arm before she leaves. ANYA turns around.

SPIKE
Funny thing. Changing yourself, changing what
you are, it doesn't always work. Doesn't always
bring you your heart's desire. This might not
change things the way you want them to change.

ANYA
It changed you… your soul. I hope Buffy realizes
that someday.

SPIKE looks down, reflectively. Then he realises something.

SPIKE
[looking suddenly up]
How did you kn-

ANYA is gone.

Scene: Sunnydale Zoo Animals of the Far East Exhibit [Ext.], Night
The camera focuses on a bat, hanging from a perch and grooming itself. BUFFY steps into frame, and we can see her through the glass. She's carrying a fairly largish battleaxe over one shoulder.

BUFFY
Would a baseball pun be in poor taste right
about now?

Pan left, where WILLOW and DAWN are standing. WILLOW'S carrying a leash-type thing, DAWN has a pillowcase in one hand. Both nod.

BUFFY
Oh well.

BUFFY swings the axe, and the glass shatters. The bat, freaked out by the invasion on its domicile, starts flapping around the inside of the cage.

WILLOW
Quick, Dawn! Bag it!

DAWN puts herself halfway into the cage, and tries to trap the bat in the pillowcase, with little success. It beats her about the head with its wings, and then discovers that it is now free! It takes off across the park.

BUFFY
Catch it!

The three of them sprint after it.

Scene: Magic Box [Int.], Night
ANYA is standing next to the cash register in the Magic Box. She's holding her amulet in her hand and looking at it. Suddenly, she slams her other fist into it. It shatters into a cloud of gold dust.

ANYA
I wish that Xander loved me.

The gold dust turns into a shock wave that slams through the shop, shattering everything made of glass. ANYA crumples to the floor.


ACT IV

Scene: Xander's Apartment [Int.], Night
XANDER is in his underwear, drinking a beer and watching the television. There are several dead soldiers around his chair.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He doesn't even look up. He just keeps drinking his beer and watching the television.

The knock comes again, more insistent. Whoever is on the other side of that door is not going to leave him alone, but keep knocking until either their hand falls off or the door falls in. Or XANDER gets off his cute ass and opens it.

The knocking gets on his nerves, so he stands up a little unsteadily and walks over to answer it.

XANDER
(Throws door open)
What?

ANYA
Oh, Xander!

ANYA jumps on XANDER, wrapping her legs around his waist and starts kissing him.

ANYA
(in between kisses)
I love you... so much... and I want you...

XANDER backs up into a wall, which gives him the leverage he needs to get his arms between himself and ANYA, and pry her off. He drops her rather unceremoniously on her butt.

XANDER
What the hell are you doing?

ANYA
Telling you how much I love you.

XANDER
Yeah, I'm getting that. Forgotten our last little
conversation already?

ANYA
No... it's just... you're meant to... This isn't right.
Nothing's changed.

XANDER
That's exactly what I told you.

ANYA
No. No, something should have changed. I made
the wish and everything so...

XANDER glares at her.

XANDER
You made a wish? You used some kind of magic
on me?

ANYA
It's not like that.

XANDER
Sure sounds like it to me. You tried to control me
just because of... gah! That's just so... demon... of
you!

XANDER holds the door open.

XANDER
(forcibly)
Get out. I don't like having my head messed with.
At least when you were pissed off with me you
didn't try this kind of thing.

ANYA
Xander! I'm not leaving until...

XANDER
Then I'll go.

XANDER grabs a jacket. He storms out of his apartment leaving ANYA standing in the darkened living room, the only light coming from the TV in the corner.

ANYA watches XANDER disappear around a corner. She looks utterly distraught.

D'HOFFRYN
Well, what did you expect?

D'HOFFRYN steps out of the shadows. He looks genuinly sympathetic.

D'HOFFRYN
You were the best, Anyanka. You were most favoured
of all my demons. You did such good work, because
of the depths of your hatred of men. But then, not of
your own fault, you were made human. And you
fell in love.
(shrugs)
Happens to everyone. But you lost your edge, even
when you came back to me, you just didn't have the
same spark.

ANYA
So, you didn't grant my wish, as a final punishment?

DHOFFRYN
Dearest! I did grant your wish. For one who has
served me so well, it was the least I could do. It
just... well, let's just say it wasn't the best thing
you could have used it for.

ANYA
What do you mean?

D'HOFFRYN
The boy has always loved you. I just wish you hadn't
given everything up to find that out.

The true horror of this realisation is seen quite visibly on ANYA'S face. Her expression is one of fear and desperation.

ANYA
Please, D'Hoffryn, I'll do anything, please, I just want
to live!

D'HOFFRYN
Anyanka, darling. You and I both know that's not true.
You haven't wanted to live since he left. This is really
for the best.

He caresses her face with one appendage and vanishes. She is left there, crying.


Scene: The Bronze [Int.], Night
XANDER enters. He notices SPIKE at a corner table and heads over. XANDER sits down. He is visibly depressed, so much so that he'll even sit next to SPIKE.

SPIKE
So, I take it she hasn't gone through with it yet,
then?

XANDER
What?

SPIKE
Anya. If she had, there'd be less moping, more
groping, I'd wager. Still, I suppose she can take
her time- it's not like vengeance curses have an
expiration date.

XANDER
You know about that?!

SPIKE
[suspiciously]
Yeah. How come you do?

XANDER
You were in on it, weren't you?! She told you?! I
swear, you two deserve each other. Whatever she
did, it didn't work.

SPIKE
[surprised]
You've seen her?

XANDER
[bitterly]
Yeah, I've seen her. In all her demonic glory.

SPIKE
And she told you she made a wish?

XANDER
Yeah, she told me what she did. It just didn't work.

SPIKE
[pressing]
But she made the wish?

XANDER
That's what she said. What difference does it make-
it didn't work.

SPIKE
[to himself, realising]
She did it, she destroyed her amulet.
[to Xander, angrily]
And you left her to die?!

XANDER grabs SPIKE by the scruff and throws him against the wall.

XANDER
What the hell are you talking about?! She wasn't dying!

SPIKE
Yes, she is. The only way a vengeance demon can
have a wish granted for themselves is to destroy
their own power-centre.

XANDER
What does that mean?

SPIKE
Are you brain-dead?! It means she gave up being
a demon for you! God knows why she bothered.
And now she's going.

XANDER
Going? You mean she's leaving town?

SPIKE
No. She's not leaving town. She's leaving.
Leaving existence. Without her power-centre, she's
going to fade into nothing.

XANDER
[distraught]
How long does she-?

SPIKE
Less than an hour, I'd say.

XANDER releases SPIKE and darts out of The Bronze.


Scene: Street, Police Station [Ext.], Night
BUFFY is running after the bat as it flies into the station, hunting the DEMON-SPIDER. BUFFY runs into the police station.

Switch to:
Scene: Police Station [Int.], Night
Everyone in the station is preoccupied with the bat, which is flapping about the ceiling. In the commotion, no-one notices the DEMON-SPIDER, as it crawls over the main desk. It crawls towards the DESK SERGEANT's hand, which is resting on the desk, as he looks up at the bat.

The SPIDER crawls nearer to the SERGEANT's hand, and is about to crawl on to it, when BUFFY hurls herself across the desk and knocks the SERGEANT to the floor, out of harm's way. The SPIDER goes flying to floor in the same flurry.

BUFFY jumps up, and quickly scans the floor for the SPIDER. She stamps on it, squashing it under her heel, as the SERGEANT picks himself up. Startled by the disturbance, the bat flies out of the station.

All eyes in the station turn to BUFFY.

BUFFY
[searching for an explanation]
Okay… I know this all looks kind of weird, but there's
a very good explanation…

Everyone continues to stare.

BUFFY
(continued)
…which I'm sure you're all dying to hear…
[quietly]
…and I'm sure to think of any minute now…
[loudly and suddenly]
BATOLOGIST!

Everyone still continues to stare.

BUFFY
I'm a batologist from Sunnydale Institute of, erm…
Batology. And we lost our, our bat, which was here,
and you all, you all saw, because he escaped, and…
[to DESK SERGEANT]
…and I'm really sorry for knocking you over like that,
but, erm, he just doesn't like… erm, people with
brown hair. They make him… depressed. Badly,
badly depressed, so I should just go and find him or…

WILLOW and DAWN rush in.

BUFFY
(continued)
…he might, erm, overdose or something, isn't that right,
Professor… Willow?

WILLOW
What?

BUFFY widens her eyes to make a 'play along' gesture.

WILLOW
Oh, yes…that's right… overdose-
[to Buffy]
What?!
[to everyone]
Yes, overdose.

WILLOW's phone rings. She answers it.

WILLOW
Hello?… Xander?… Okay, okay, I'll get her.
[to Buffy]
He says he needs to speak to you.

WILLOW offers the phone to BUFFY.

BUFFY takes the phone.

BUFFY
[to everyone, continuing her lame explanation]
It's Professor Xander. He's very well renound.
[into phone]
Xander?… what? How?… Okay, slow down…

XANDER briefly explains over the phone.

BUFFY
I'm coming.

BUFFY hangs up.

BUFFY
[to everyone]
There's been a sighting. We should go.

BUFFY turns to WILLOW and DAWN.

BUFFY
[resolved]
We have to go. Now.


Scene: Magic Box [Int.], Night
XANDER comes rushing in.

ANYA is sat on the floor, leaning against the counter, crying. She looks up as XANDER enters.

ANYA
[surprised]
Xander!

XANDER
[rushing over]
Anya!

XANDER crouches down next to ANYA.

ANYA
Xander, I'm so sorry. For the wish, I shouldn't have-
but I just wanted… I just wanted you to love me.
And now I have to go, fade away. No more Anya.

XANDER takes both her hands in his.

XANDER
[desperate]
No. There's a way to stop it. There has to be. We'll
stop it. We'll find out how, and we'll stop it.

ANYA starts to fade out as he speaks. He loses his grip on her hands as she fades out and then back in.

XANDER
You have to hang on. Just a bit longer. Stay here.
Stay with me. Buffy and Willow are coming. Willow-
she'll do something, she'll think of something. We'll
save you.

ANYA
[while fading in and out]
No. You're too late. It's already happening. See?
I'm going. I'm fading.

XANDER
[defiantly]
No. No you're not. You have to stay. You have to hold on.

ANYA
[crying]
I love you Xander.

XANDER hugs ANYA

XANDER
I love you. I never stopped loving you.

ANYA fades again, and XANDER can't keep a hold of her.

ANYA
[tearful]
Remember me.

XANDER closes his eyes.

XANDER
Always.

She's gone.

The bell rings as the shop door opens and BUFFY, WILLOW and DAWN run in. They see XANDER crouched on the floor.

XANDER looks around, confused. He opens his hand to see ANYA's amulet. He frowns.

BUFFY approaches him.

BUFFY
What's wrong?

XANDER stands up, but says nothing, still fixated on ANYA's amulet.

As XANDER stands, the camera twists around him to reveal the shop in perfect, undamaged condition behind him.

BUFFY
[looking at the amulet]
What's that?

The bell rings and the door opens again. TARA and GILES run in, panting to catch up with WILLOW and DAWN.

XANDER
[still fixated on the amulet]
I have no idea.

Fade to black.

ENDING CREDITS