Humourous Quotations

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year olds."
                              -- Jojo Jensen

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."
                              -- George Bernard Shaw

"Golf is a game in which you yell "Fore," shoot six, and write down five."
                              -- Paul Harvey

"When you finally accept that you're a complete dork, your life gets easier.  No sense in trying to be cool."
                              -- Reese Witherspoon

"If you believe every child can learn, therefore we ought to know whether that's the case."
                               -- Dubya, um...huh?

"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."
                              -- Garry Trudeau

"Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again."
                              -- Mike Myers

"If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur."
                               -- Doug Larson

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
                               -- Dan Rather

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
                               -- Albert Einstein

"If I answer questions every time you ask one, expectations would be high. And as you know, I like to keep expectations low."
                              -- Dubya, being very honest about himself

"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings."
                              -- Marc Ostroff

"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
                              -- Douglas Porter

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
                              -- Unknown

"Never argue with idiots. The just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
                              -- Unknown

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
                              -- Unknown

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
                              -- Unknown

"Thinking is when your mouth stays shut and your head keeps talking to itself."
                              -- Unknown

"Big Bang Theory: In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.'"
                              -- Terry Pratchett

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards."
                              -- Fred Hoyle

"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then  suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."
                              -- Matt Groening, Life in Hell

"He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke."
                              --Terry Cohen

"Don't take life too serious. You'll never escape it alive anyway."
                              -- Elbert Hubbard

"Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives."
                              -- Unknown

"I'm not suffering from insanity . . . I'm enjoying every minute of it."
                              -- Unknown

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the  one I've never tried before."
                              -- Mae West

"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."
                              -- Unknown

"I refuse to fight a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
                              -- Unknown

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
                              -- Will Rogers

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century."
                              -- Dame Edna

"Happy is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused."
                              -- Unknown

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad."
                              --Norm Papernick

"The trouble with the world today is that there is no such thing as a comfy chair."

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
                              -- John Lehman

"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
                              --Al Capone

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying."
                              -- Woody Allen

"At times inactivity is preferable to mindless functioning."
                              -- Jenny Holzer

"Procrastination is like Masturbation.  In the end you just end up screwing yourself."
                              -- Unknown

"In 1555, Nostradamus wrote: Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, The Village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."
                              -- Unknown

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
                              -- George Carlin

"You're only given a little spark of madness.  You mustn't lose it."
                              -- Robin Williams



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